According to Gen Z, “pipelines” are no longer what Big Oil puts in the ground. Rather, a pipeline is an ominous way of understanding the correlation or causation between particular people and their tendencies. There are a few pipelines which are specific to Otago and greater student life, and it’s about time we delve into them so you can recognise if you’re in a pipeline yourself and, if so, where your future is heading.
Auckland Nepo Baby to Insufferable Law Student
Starting off strong, we have the Auckland nepotism baby who inevitably arrives at Otago to pursue a career in Law. Not because they want to help people, but because Daddy is the head of AndersonWankerServingCunt commercial law firm in Ponsonby and it’s their utmost duty to carry on the family legacy of intergenerational wealth and bail out corporations. You can identify an Auckland nepo baby by their Rodd and Gunn three-quarter zip-ups, Birkenstocks, and conversation points that include hating on alternative entry pathways because they’re “unfair” and that poor people should just “work harder.” Chances are they also went to Arana, Selwyn or Knox and got up to some weird, culty shit on the weekend.
Marxist Politic Majors to Government Bureaucrat
There is perhaps no pipeline more ironic than the raging leftist, anti-establishment, Marxist Politics major who becomes a glorified government bureaucrat paying half their income to live in a Thorndon shack. You can spot this particular breed of Politics major as they generally wear Doc Martens, vape outside Dispensary, and will corner you at parties to unpack niche political opinions that you literally couldn’t give less of a shit about. But come winter break these folks will abandon all their political opinions and radical anarchist views to apply for all the government policy analyst roles available in attempts to get that sweet, sweet sense of civil servant superiority. You might call it hypocrisy, but they call it “changing the system from the inside.”
High School Theatre Kid to Capping Show Cultist
There is something so unique and special about the incredibly delusional yet emotionally vulnerable nature of the high school theatre kid. While you can most definitely question their talent, there is no questioning their relentless enthusiasm and insufferable noise levels. Upon flocking to Otago University, most theatre kids continue down the pipeline of drama and scandal by enrolling in our Performing Arts program. Upon realising most other students find them just as insufferable as their high school classmates did, they begin the inevitable journey towards joining the Capping Show. There is an air of exclusivity to the Capping Show, being an audition-based event that only allows certain people in. Perhaps this is to make up for the “exclusive” high school groups the humble theatre kid was once excluded from?
Competitive Netball Player to Psychotic Flatmate
Perhaps a controversial pipeline, but an important one nonetheless. The correlation between chicks who played netball in high school and the most intense, psychotic flatmates known to mankind is as strong as their grip strength. Chances are they went to an all-girls school where netball was all the rage, and their social status was dependent on which grade and position they were. Fast forward a few years, and suddenly the chick you met in your hall who just so happened to be a netball player is now the worst flatmate you’ve ever had. They’re the kind of flatmate that has insane cleaning rosters and calls flat meetings over who “stole” their oat milk because the cartoon “feels” lighter than it did last night. They start every conversation in the flat chat with “I hate to be this person” or “I can’t believe I have to say this again lmao x”, and hate your sneaky link for absolutely no fucking reason. These psychotic netball girls can usually be spotted by the fact they have a NPC high school boyfriend who you can tell actually kinda hates them, as well as their awful fake tan and affinity for brunch at Buster Greens. Last, but certainly not least, they tend to have the most terrible regrowth but INSIST that they’re natural blondes.
Environmentalist to Frequent Flier
Even though environmentalists hate pipelines, they sure have a pretty strong one. The pipeline between raging environmentalists and flying around Europe is undeniably strong. I’m talking about the environmentalists who, while at university, won’t shut the fuck up about the fact the world is on fire and how we’re all going to die because you’re still eating cheeseburgers and occasionally use straws. They’re Green Party stans, and would never shower again if Chlöe Swarbrick asked them not to. They’re usually aggressive vegans who hate farmers and manage to survive on chickpeas and a raging superiority complex. They also probably major in Ecology or Marine Science, and orgasm over Instagram infographics and the fact they can plant trees by using a server that’s not Google. However, once they graduate all these principles go out the window, and you suddenly find yourself watching Instagram stories and reading Facebook “life update” posts about their jet-setting, emissions-burning, six-month vacay across Europe in pursuit of a “hot girl summer”. Slay, I guess.
Growing Up After 9/11 to Just Being Depressed
If you think about it, for our generation 9/11 happened and then just nothing good sort of ever happened ever again. This does explain why members of Gen Z seem to be nihilistic, take nothing seriously, and tend to have a pessimistic outlook on society as a whole. We had 9/11 followed quickly by war and an intense political climate, which finally culminated in the Global Financial Crisis of 2008. While most of us were just little rascals, chances are we had parents who went through economic hardship during this time, and this probably impacted us in some way, shape or form. After that, things just kept going downhill. A few more wars, a couple more times of economic crisis, natural disasters, climate change and then a global pandemic. It’s no wonder that we feel a little sad and burnt out. Not to mention the prospects of carrying staggering levels of student debt, low-wage grad roles and crippled housing market doesn’t make the future look like rainbows and sunshine. This isn’t exactly a pipeline; it’s more of a motorway.
Students’ Association President to Lacklustre Government Official
While there is an element of hypocrisy to all pipelines, this one is perhaps the most hypocritical of all. There seems to be a recurring pipeline of former-students’-association-presidents-turned-politicians who, once they grasp an ounce of power, seem to suddenly not give a single flying fuck about students at all. You probably associate the likes of Grant Robertson and Chris Hipkins with being big hot-shot politicians, but once upon a time they were just like you and I: impoverished students living in cold flats, partaking in student politics and holding the odd protest in hopes of creating better conditions for students, both present and future. However, it seems that this relentless sense of optimism and the desire to fight the good fight immediately shatters when these little bootlickers get a seat in Parliament. Student debt crisis? Don’t know her! Skyrocketing cost of rent? Sounds like a you problem, bestie x