Proctology | Issue 13
“Y’all are perfect”
Critic speculates this has little to do with imminent exams and is rather the direct result of the Proctor’s continued emphasis on taking caution with red cards.
Reports of tea parties and board game nights on Castle Street have recently been sent to Critic, possibly indicating a successful and exhaustive destruction of student culture’s favourite pastime. Furthermore, the Proctor’s previous recommendation of painting the University in an act of harmless acrylic fun is being “seriously considered” by several groups who wish to “paint the town red.”
Critic was also surprised to not hear of any noise complaints from Opoho, where recent graduates are known to nest with their partners for months of “unemployment sex.”
One reminder of Scarfie days gone by was a keg stand competition held at a Hyde Street flat last Thursday night. The organisers did, however, ensure that all drinking was done safely and installed a harness system for contestants, thus reducing potential harm caused by dizziness and weak arms.
It remains to be seen whether the closure of the Captain Cook Tavern will herald an emergency notice from the Proctor’s office in a month’s time, when New Zealand’s last remaining Scarfie veterans will presumably descend upon it for a poignant – and pungent – dawn service.