Scorpio
Your lecturer keeps mumbling and refuses to wear their mic right, causing that all-too-familiar antsy feeling to creep back in. So this time, rather than changing your whole degree again, try going to UniPol and get that serotonin hit that makes you feel grounded.
Your perfect crime: Arson
Cancer
Remember to put your oxygen mask on before helping others. This week, it's time to start prioritising your own sanity. Stop being your flatmate's designated Uber driver, because they won’t give you 5/5 stars. Instead, they vomit it in the back seat, and almost never pay petrol money.
Your perfect crime: Grand theft auto
Aquarius
You're an icon, you're a legend, and you are the moment. It's time for you to hit the clurbs hard and partyyy. Exams aren't here yet, so use this time well. Make those lifelong memories and forget them in the same night.
Your perfect crime: Slayyyyying
Leo
The fresher flu has been a coiled snake and you may just be its next victim. Prioritise your health, especially because your lectures are recorded. If you watch them back to back at 2x speed, you can definitely catch up on the week in one day.
Your perfect crime: Vandalism
Sagittarius
A little birdy told me that you have been having some fun, and I take my hat off to you for being such a baddie. BTW, your flatmates know you have those hickeys. I mean… They are huge. So you can stop wearing that hideous winter scarf every day.
Your perfect crime: Streaking
Libra
I’m so proud of you, sweetie! This week you will finally take that leap of faith. We both know you're the furthest thing from a classy date, so go grab that special person and take them to the Zoo. It's the perfect place for both of your wild sides to come out and play.
Your perfect crime: Public urination
Virgo
When life hits hard, you usually retaliate by bouncing back twice as hard. This week, when the world comes swinging, it may just be time to ‘spontaneously’ get that piercing that has been in the back of your mind for months.
Your perfect crime: Fraud
Pisces
Your walls are looking a bit bare, so I think it's time you started using those uni printers for what they're actually there for: to make your room Instagram worthy with at least 100 of those A4 Pinterest posters that always come out of the printer a little too grainy for your liking.
Your perfect crime: Underground gambling
Taurus
This week, a new opportunity will cross your desk and make you pause. Sometimes you just have to try something new just to know it's wrong for you. But although tempting,
don't put your dick in the toaster!
Your perfect crime: Possession
Gemini
Katy Perry's Hot N Cold has nothing on you – you're giving your flatmates whiplash with your indecision. The Otago Oracle is personally here to tell you that you NEED to lock in now. No more wavering belief in yourself, you got this!
Your perfect crime: Indecision
Capricorn
You've kept a tight control over everything in your life, and so far it has served you well: always getting your assignments in on time, keeping the mould out of your flat, and so on. But at the end of the day, you need to learn to stop micromanaging and just let go.
Your perfect crime: Tax evasion
Aries
Betrayal strikes! As you make your move, be sure you think about who else this will impact in your life. If you don't watch what you’re doing, you will have the people closest to you knocking down your door and calling you a traitor.
Your perfect crime: Petty theft
