Columns

The current orthodoxy when picking a Vice Presidential running mate is to choose somebody who complements the candidate and appeals to different demographics. For instance, Obama is young, black, and eloquent, so he chose Joe Biden, an old white guy who accidentally says “fuck” at press conferences. With the Republican nomination all but sewn up, the next big question is who Mitt Romney will pick as his running mate. Although it’s possible the announcement will already have been made by the time this column goes to print, here is my appraisal of the main candidates.

Michelle Bachmann. The same logic that got Sarah Palin the role in 2008 would apply to Bachmann. She’s a woman, and a favourite of the rightwing Tea Party movement – groups with which Romney has been unpopular. She’s also photogenic and full of apple-pie rhetoric. However, she’s too ambitious to accept being number two, she’s even crazier than Palin, and there’s too much bad blood left over from the nomination race where she was Romney’s rival. VP rating: 4/10.

Maureen “Moe” Tucker. Believe it or not, the former Velvet Underground drummer is a card-carrying member of the Tea Party. She isn’t hot like Bachmann, and has taken a lot of drugs in her time, but she would definitely appeal to the youth and hippy demographics. Though she’s unlikely to run run run for office, she might be beginning to see the light. VP rating: 7/10.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon. A charismatic small-business owner and all-round nice guy, Apu would also bring some much-needed racial diversity to the Republican Party. But unfortunately he’s a bit two-dimensional, and his arranged marriage, coupled with Romney’s Mormonism, probably wouldn’t go down well with the family-values crowd. VP rating: 5.5/10.

Claireece “Precious” Jones. Young, black, female, and a mother, thereby killing four birds with one utterly callous stone. Better-adjusted than your average Republican politician, Precious is also popular with the media, with a 91% “Fresh” rating on Rotten Tomatoes. USA Today claimed that “it’s hard to be unmoved by Precious’ determination”, and critics have praised her realism and message of hope. VP rating: 8.5/10.

Richard Whiteman. Screw diversity. “Rich” to his friends, Whiteman is vintage GOP. He has more guns than a Schwarzenegger convention, his successful Louisiana cotton business has been in the family for generations, and he’s a strident advocate of family values. Besides, all that business with the young Guatemalan chap has probably blown over by now. VP rating: 10/10.