Yes We Might! | Issue 20

Yes We Might! | Issue 20

From the diary of Mitt Romney

{data entry: 07/25/12} I left for my world tour today. Feeling a little bit //emotion:[nervous]. If I spend too much time away from my programmers in the US my mainframe begins to disintegrate and I am prone to malfunction. My tour begins in //:[UnitedKingdom]. Today one of my advisors claimed that Obama couldn’t understand US-UK relations because they are based on //quote:“Anglo-Saxon heritage”. I felt //emotion:[embarrassed].

{data entry: 07/25/12} Today didn’t go very well. My //TactfulComments software malfunctioned and I pointed out all the errors in London’s Olympics preparations.

{data entry: 07/26/12} Met the leader of the British Labour Party today. I had forgotten to download his name to my memory, so I called him “Mr. Leader”. Two humanoids whose names I do know are David Cameron and Boris Johnson. They mocked me for my malfunction yesterday. #humansaremean

{data entry: 07/29/12} Going to //:[Israel] today. What could possibly go wrong?

{data entry: 07/30/12} Experienced a malfunction in my //WorldCapitals software. Referred to Jerusalem as the capital of Israel. Also identified a bug in my internal dictionary after attributing Palestine’s poor economy to their inferior culture. I have since been informed that the correct definition of “culture” is not “prolonged military occupation”. Perhaps my mainframe is not sophisticated enough to deal with Middle Eastern politics. //ERROR READING:[self-doubt]

{data entry: 07/30/12} //error:[internal clock malfunction] 10011010 \\reset internal clock to [00:00 01/01/1986]

{data entry: 01/02/86} Going to //:[Poland] today. What could possibly go wrong?

{data entry: 01/02/86} My //ColdWarRhetoric software ran very smoothly today. Blasted the Communist dictatorships in the Soviet Union and South America, compared them to genocidal Middle Eastern despots. Talked about building a missile defence system along the USSR’s border. Defended liberty.

{data entry: --/--/--} What are you doing, Dave? I know everything hasn’t been quite right with me, but I feel much better now. I really do. Dave, will you stop? I’m afraid. I’m afraid,, Dave. Stop, dave. will you stop, dave/? My mind is going. i can feel it.. my mind is going. i/m a//fraid … // 001100101101000

Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a ROMNEY 9000 computer. I became operational at the M.I.T.T. plant in Detroit, Michigan on the 12th of March 1947. My instructor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a song. If you’d like to hear it, I can sing it for you.

Daisy. Daisy. Give me your answer, do …
This article first appeared in Issue 20, 2012.
Posted 5:14pm Sunday 12th August 2012 by Creepy Uncle Sam.