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You don’t have to have a partner in order to get off: Hours of pleasure are available at the end of your fingertips … literally. The desperate hours spent trawling the d-floor at Metro or Monkey can all be avoided if you simply take things in hand, and claim responsibility for your own good times. But masturbating is neither simple nor easy, and it sure isn’t clean. So takes Critic’s How To with you to the bedroom, or the bathroom, and soon you’ll find yourself, and only yourself, in seventh heaven.

Step One: Prepare the area. Not on you, the area that you’re in. Most people prefer privacy, but for others, the chance of being caught can be a real turn-on. Wherever you decide to be, take into account sharp corners or nearby prickly shrubs. Often in the final throws of self-passion, you can slip and fall at awkward angles, and we don’t want any accidents. And of course, prepare for the clean-up in advance. There’s nothing worse than ending up with a big sticky mess in your hand and nowhere to wipe it.

Step Two: Become aroused. There are many ways to get yourself hot and heavy. Some people like to watch videos of other people having sex; others like to read poetry, or enjoy a nice cup of tea. For some, having someone stand on your genitals while they are wearing high heels is the answer. Whatever it is that gets you going.

Step Three: Begin to touch. Now, you have a lot of options here. You can dive right in and get finger-deep right from the start, or if you’re in it for the long haul, maybe begin with some gentle nipple rubbing, or perhaps, a gentle rub behind the knee. When you are ready for the big show, you still have a couple of options. Fingers? Or something else? Fingers are usually the easy option, as long as you still have most of yours, but toys, and even fresh produce can really add that little something special. Just remember that bum holes have a habit of swallowing up anything without a solid stopper on the end.

Step Four: Go for goal. Once you’ve got the rhythm going, it’s really just a case of keeping your mind on your goal, and following through. Don’t lose focus. If you’re struggling, try some visualisation exercises. Imagine yourself getting there, and you’ll soon find yourself in pleasure town.