How to: Pick Up

How to: Pick Up

So apparently Critic is talking about sex this week, or at least it seems like it is. So in that vein, Iíd like to discuss the mystical art of picking up. Some of us can do it without even trying, fuckers. Fuck them and their nonchalant good looks and well-fitting clothes; their stylishly-coiffed hair and their straight white teeth. For the rest of us, picking up is plain old hard yacker. So hereís Criticís how to guide to easy pickings.

Step One: Be Female.

Step Two: If youíre not female, things are going to be a lot harder for you. Girls donít really have to pick up, so much as stand in front of a man until they notice them, then just play with their hair for a little while, casually touch them on the arm, and well, youíre done. Men, youíre going to have to keep reading through the steps.

Step Three: Dust yo shirt off. Seriously, if you want even half a chance of picking up, youíd best be looking fine, and smelling good. You canít do anything about the face that God gave you, and Iím not even telling you that you need to be wearing the finest threads of the fly-est kids. Personally I like to pick up in op-shop threads and Dunlop volleys. But make sure itís washed and pressed, that your facial hair (if you have any) is the way you like it, and that if you look like you just got out of bed, then that it is a deliberate choice.

Step Four: Choose your target. Firstly, we all know that the drunkest person in the room might be the easiest hook, but if donít want them to be vomiting all over you right before you pull out your O-face, you should probably pick a target that at least resembles sobriety. Secondly, aim high. Always aim out of your league. Sure if itís been a while since youíve got on the board you can go slumming, but if you donít think theyíre bloody stunning, you may as well head home for some Redtube.

Step Five: Talk to them. Counterintuitive as it may seem, talking to someone is the easiest way to pick them up. And shit, in Dunedin, it will come as such a massive shock that youíll catch them completely off guard. Sure, you can get them out on the dance floor after a quick yarn and a cheeky shaker. But if youíve laid the groundwork with some solid chat, youíll have a much better chance of getting in with a grin.

Happy Hunting
This article first appeared in Issue 2, 2012.
Posted 4:53pm Sunday 4th March 2012 by Staff Reporter.