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So apparently Critic is talking about sex this week, or at least it seems like it is. So in that vein, I’d like to discuss the mystical art of picking up. Some of us can do it without even trying, fuckers. Fuck them and their nonchalant good looks and well-fitting clothes; their stylishly-coiffed hair and their straight white teeth. For the rest of us, picking up is plain old hard yacker. So here’s Critic’s how to guide to easy pickings.

Step One: Be Female.

Step Two: If you’re not female, things are going to be a lot harder for you. Girls don’t really have to pick up, so much as stand in front of a man until they notice them, then just play with their hair for a little while, casually touch them on the arm, and well, you’re done. Men, you’re going to have to keep reading through the steps.

Step Three: Dust yo shirt off. Seriously, if you want even half a chance of picking up, you’d best be looking fine, and smelling good. You can’t do anything about the face that God gave you, and I’m not even telling you that you need to be wearing the finest threads of the fly-est kids. Personally I like to pick up in op-shop threads and Dunlop volleys. But make sure it’s washed and pressed, that your facial hair (if you have any) is the way you like it, and that if you look like you just got out of bed, then that it is a deliberate choice.

Step Four: Choose your target. Firstly, we all know that the drunkest person in the room might be the easiest hook, but if don’t want them to be vomiting all over you right before you pull out your O-face, you should probably pick a target that at least resembles sobriety. Secondly, aim high. Always aim out of your league. Sure if it’s been a while since you’ve got on the board you can go slumming, but if you don’t think they’re bloody stunning, you may as well head home for some Redtube.

Step Five: Talk to them. Counterintuitive as it may seem, talking to someone is the easiest way to pick them up. And shit, in Dunedin, it will come as such a massive shock that you’ll catch them completely off guard. Sure, you can get them out on the dance floor after a quick yarn and a cheeky shaker. But if you’ve laid the groundwork with some solid chat, you’ll have a much better chance of getting in with a grin.

Happy Hunting