How To: Prevent Global Warming

How To: Prevent Global Warming

Global warming is undoubtedly the hottest issue around at the moment. And itís time that we, as students, and as individual citizens of the globe, take responsibility for what is happening to our planet. With that in mind, Critic presents the top five ways you can do your bit to combat global warming.

Step One | Run a fan all winter

If everyone in the hemisphere experiencing winter runs a fan, then the resulting airflow will blow to the other hemisphere, creating a cooling effect, and the whole globe will be colder.

Step Two | Eat more whale meat.

Global warming is at least in part caused by the massive methane releases of all those ruminant (cows and sheep) animals that we have to raise to fulfil our carnivorous desires. However, there is a cheap and easy alternative to eating beef or lamb, and itís often overlooked. Whale (and of course dolphin, and all other large marine mammals) is a healthy and low-carbon alternative to our current eating patterns. If we asked nicely, the Japanese would surely drop us off some tasty tasty whale on their way back from hunting in Antarctica. All we need to do is ask.

Step Three | Be exclusively homosexual.

The logic behind this one isnít so obvious, but stay with me here. It is people that cause global warming, so less people = less global warming. If no one had sex, there would be no more people, so there would be less global warming. But people like having sex, so from now on, only gay sex. Okay?

Step Four | Ride a unicycle.

We all know that giving up on carbon-fuelled means of transportation is going to help out a lot, so we should try and ride bikes rather than travel in cars. But did you know that unicycles use only half as much carbon as standard bicycles?

Step Five | Donít eat Chinese food.

Every time that you eat Chinese food, you are supporting the overheated Chinese economy. It is imperative to the survival of the planet that we stop pumping money into China. With that in mind, please avoid the following Chinese foods:

  • Sushi
  • Chicken wings
  • Pancakes
  • Cats and dogs

So do your bit, and together we can change the world.
This article first appeared in Issue 8, 2012.
Posted 5:04pm Sunday 22nd April 2012 by Staff Reporter.