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So we’re one week out from exams, and you haven’t been to class since before mid-semester break. You can’t even remember if your paper was about interpretations of classical art in the renaissance or the cell structure of archaebacteria. But fear not! With Critic’s guide to cramming for exams, you’ll be just knowledgeable enough to pass, without ever actually learning any of the information properly.

Step One: Procrastinate. You’ve waited this long to get started, so why not wait a little bit longer? We all know that the greatest potential we possess is not let loose until the very last moment. We suggest that the real study should begin no earlier than 24 hours before the start of your exam.

Step Two: Get Notes. Don’t worry about where you get them from – a friend, a lover, a flatmate, the Internet – just as long as they’re written by someone who got an A in the class. Your mission for the next 24 hours is to temporarily implant this information into your brain. You don’t get extra credit for remembering it after the exam; you just want this stuff to sit there for exactly as long as you need it. Get out that highlighter, and start compressing.

Step Five: Stimulate. Caffeine is the stimulant of choice for most crammers. It’s easy, legal, and massive consumption to the point of poisoning yourself only really results in shaking and loose bowel movements. You have multiple options for your delivery method –V, coffee, No-Doz – and you’re pretty much guaranteed to be able to get some at any hour of the night. Of course there are other stimulants that you could choose to indulge in, but Critic isn’t allowed to tell you about them. Google it.

Step Six: Sexy Breaks. A little bit of sexy time can be a great motivator for study, and since most scarfies only require a couple of minutes, it won’t take big chunks out of your study time. If you know that one hour of study equals two minutes of sexy time, you’re much more likely to stay motivated. If your study buddy isn’t down to be your fuck buddy too, you can always take matters into your own hands, so to speak.

Step Seven: Cheat. Accept that you’re fucked. There is nothing that you can do about it now. Cheating is the only way out of your predicament.

[DISCLAIMER: Critic in no way suggests or endorses cheating.]