Me Love You Long Time | Issue 2

Me Love You Long Time | Issue 2

Dunedin is renowned for many things, but its dating scene is not one of them. Getting boozed and pashing people on the dance floor is hardly anyone’s idea of romance, so Critic wants to sort you out. Every week we’re sending two loveless loners on a blind date to Tokyo Gardens (with a bottle of wine to ease things along of course) to see if we can make some sparks fly. If you want in on the action, email


She got in late but after I saw her, (fuck me Critic you did me well) she was a vision. Long legs equally matched by long blond hair that almost touched her lower back, and an ass that left a mess in my pants. We sat down after I was forced to debate with the host that we’d been sent by Critic Magazine and “yes we do get a free feed”. But after those pleasantries had been exchanged, it was time to settle in to the Tokyo Garden atmosphere for what was to be a rollercoaster of emotions.

If I was to give the aforementioned rollercoaster a name I would called it the “Jizz-master-4000”. This shawday was bangin’ but very mysterious (I think it was her eyes), and although sections of the conversation left much to be desired, merely being in her presence was enough to be pleasured without a word. Anyway, this isn’t soft porn so I’ll cut the shit and get my hand off it while I finish the yarn.

We ordered a fuck load of kai. Far more than either of us could manage. We conversed about all the usual shit while we waited: Where we were from. How many siblings we had. What Hall we were in during first year and what we studied. To be honest I couldn’t have given less of a fuck. My mindless nodding and concurring was just giving way to the fact that my eyes stayed fixated on a pair of mts that even your mate Sir Ed would taken a second thought about trying to conquer. I’ll skip to the end because let’s go honest, you want to know how it ended up. Did Romeo get his Juliet? Did Snoop Dog find his California Girl? Did old Hugh Heffner find another Kendra?

Well dear sweet reader. Yes. Yes he did. We went back to her place after she pretended to be too drunk to walk home alone. While she was in the bathroom freshening up her lady bits, I got my gears off to speed things along. She was no doubt shocked when she came back in, but it didn’t take her long to get with the naked programme.

Cheers Critic, hooked a boy up!


After arriving fashionably late, I quickly realised that my first impression is less than fashionable. I am wearing a dress that does not permit bras, and it has been raining steadily outside ... He makes no effort to hide the fact that he notices, and struggles to maintain eye contact let alone normal conversation. Luckily his style was equally distasteful. His hair looks like a scene out of Something About Mary… Seriously, how much gel can you fit on one scalp?
He proceeds to tell me that he has Googled blind date conversation starters and proceeds to ask me every corny first date question ever. I am hesitant to tell him anything remotely truthful as he has definite stalker potential ... At this point I greedily down as much of the wine as possible, aware that this evening may be a long one. By the time the food comes out I am already half cut and so am not too fazed when he declares my beauty to the poor Asian staff member.

By the end of the evening I am really quite pissed and am beginning to laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation, if not his terrible jokes. By the time we go to leave, I am fair rolling from all the wine. He offers to take me home, and I am more than slightly gutted that I am going to have to accept his offer as I am just far to drunk to make it there alone.
When I got through the door I immediately stumbled down the hallway and crashed into the bathroom. Making it to my room I am totally amazed when I see him standing butt naked next to my bed. Did he just pull The Naked Guy on me?!? And did I just give into it?!? Oh my God I did.

Now I’m not going to say that this was the best sex of my life, because it simply wasn’t. But even if he had no idea what he was doing, at least he was hung like a horse. And it wasn’t like I was going on Critic’s blind date because I’d been getting a lot of dick recently. I’m not going to rush back for more, but one to keep in the roster. Thanks for the dick Critic.
This article first appeared in Issue 2, 2012.
Posted 4:53pm Sunday 4th March 2012 by Lovebirds.