Scarfie With Flaming Couch Tattoo Never Burned a Couch In His Life

Posted 6:01pm Thursday 25th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Third-year Biology student Thomas King has been showing off his latest tattoo, which depicts an iconic Otago University couch burning. However, new evidence has shown that King has never having actually burned a couch. Some have claimed that King’s tattoo is cultural appropriation, and that Read more...

Mould Growing on Bathroom Ceiling Actually New Form of Cheese

Posted 6:02pm Thursday 25th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Fourth-year Human Nutrition student Emma Greenwood recently discovered that what she previously thought was deadly black mould is actually a delicious new form of cheese. She said, “My flatmate spilled a bottle of milk upstairs last semester, and we all kinda couldn’t be bothered to Read more...

Dunedin Crumbles to Nothingness as Steepest Street Cruelly Snatched Away

Posted 5:18pm Friday 19th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

This morning the rats fled the city. They swept past old men sobbing in gutters, and young children staring vacantly into the distance. They swept down the disappointing gradient of the-street-formerly-known-as-the-steepest-street-in-the-world and past the Mayor as he pleaded with the Guinness Read more...

Highschooler Presenting Speech on ‘Why Speeches Are Bad’ Thinks He’s A Real Funny Cunt

Posted 6:16pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Jackson Collins has been left heartbroken this week after receiving a low-achieved mark in his year 11 English speech. Collins said “I was just like, sitting at home thinking about what to do my speech on, and I just thought it would be a really original and funny take on the Read more...

It's 2am and Your Stupid Loser Flatmate Won't Stop Getting High and Making Noise With His Shitty Lame Friends

Posted 6:16pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Looks like your flatmate, Sammy, is smoking weed again. That would be all well and good if somebody in this house didn't have work in the morning. When asked why he felt the need to make so much noise and smoke weed at 2am every night, Sammy replied "oh my God, shut the fuck up. Stop Read more...

Clan of Horny Goblins Raid Critic Stands Solely for Moaningful Confessions

Posted 6:15pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Last Monday a horde of at least 20 sex-deprived beings descended upon campus to steal as many copies of Critic as possible. It is currently unknown whether the creatures were students coming out of Winter hibernation, or actual goblins. The Critical Tribune spoke to one of the goblins briefly Read more...

Student Health to Offer Vaccines for 'Fresher Plague'

Posted 6:15pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

According to Student Health’s specialist in Dark Age ailments, Dr. Charles Lorm, "it's all coming back. First it was measles, this semester I'm betting on the black plague." The Tribune reporter had difficulty understanding Lorm’s next sentences through his doctor Read more...

Aging Post-Grad Student Replaces Critic Centrefold with ‘Live, Laugh, Learn’ Poster

Posted 11:10pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Jennifer Rackford, 23, has removed the only remaining Critic centrefold blu-tak’d to her wall. According to her flatmates, Rackford has been slowly taking down her collection of centrefolds ever since her last birthday. When asked why she removed the original ‘Fuckboys of Read more...

That Classmate You Added on Facebook Won’t Stop Sharing Anime Memes

Posted 11:09pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Yep, we’re in this situation again. It turns out that guy who you’ve been sharing notes with is a massive weeb. Now that you’ve accepted his request, classes would be awkward if you delete him. Your classmate won’t stop using the term ‘uwu’ and you’re not Read more...

Violent Turf War Between Botans and Woodhaugh Yoga Groups Has Zero Casualties

Posted 11:15pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

The weekly yoga groups based in the Botanical Gardens and the Woodhaugh Gardens recently had a dramatic spat over who owns the North Ground rugby pitch. The Chief Yoga Instructor of the Woodhaugh Sun Children, Daniel “Spirit Beetle” Rogers, said, “yeah, it was an intense battle. Read more...