First naked person in Lumsden since 1934

First naked person in Lumsden since 1934


An already riveting debate over the extension of a council bylaw on freedom camping in the Stewart Island town of Lumsden suddenly became breaking news last Tuesday as His Worship the Mayor of Southland Gary Tong revealed that he had, in fact seen a naked person in the town, something that hadn’t happened since the visit of King George V in 1934.    

His Worship Tong’s startling revelation came after the owner of the Lumsden Motel, and perhaps Lumsden’s only citizen, Brian Ross, said that freedom camping made Lumsden look like a Syrian refugee camp on the news, and that it “is ruining the middle of our town,” despite Lumsden not in fact being large enough to have a middle.

His Worship Tong allegedly saw the naked man “having a scrub behind the back of his van” after His Worship had “just happened to drive round the back”. He then confided to Radio New Zealand that, "I know it [being naked] happens in some countries in the Northern Hemisphere”.

Adding to the validity of His Worship’s claim is his previously disclosed statement to the Southland Times that he is a “facts guy,” which he went on to clarify meant that he’s “comfortable in dealing with facts”.

His Worship rounded out his rousing attack on the human form with the poignant quip, “it's not something we want our kids to see”. Critic would like to point out that there are not actually any children in Lumsden, perhaps because of the citizenry’s aforementioned aversion to nakedness.  

After the incident His Worship allegedly went home and put on all the hats in his hat collection.


NOTE: All quotes and hat collections are real

This article first appeared in Issue 19, 2017.
Posted 10:34am Sunday 13th August 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin.