Francisco Hernandez
(President)No, he’s not a larrikin Scarfie. Yes, he’s a giant nerd. And yes, he writes excruciatingly long Facebook posts, called for the Cook to be bowled on national TV, and spends way too much time trying to justify “E-Sports.”
But this is Fran’s destiny. He was born to be a student politician.
Of course, he wouldn’t be Fran if there weren’t some cringeworthy moments (the aforementioned Firstline interview being a particular highlight), and his report falls into that category. A list of his hundred-plus election pledges with (self-assigned) scores out of five for each pledge – using an extremely dodgy rating system and explicitly taking a dig at his Exec on more than one occasion – the report tips the scales at 5,375 words (two of which were “cunt”). Fuck that, says Critic, TL;DR. We’ll report on what we see, thanks.
Fortunately for Fran, what we see is pretty good. The pledges might be headache-inducing, but they give Fran something reasonably coherent to work toward; and he might work toward them in his characteristically bumbling, Frannish way, but he’s making real progress and delivering on the big issues. The Memorandum of Understanding with the DCC has been signed, which gives OUSA a platform to push for improvements to student flats next semester; the liquor ban has been beaten; and Hyde Street was a massive success.
Fran has also declared that he will not seek a second term as President, and signed off with the statement “If drafted, I will not run; if nominated, I will not accept; if elected, I will not serve.” Pete Hodkinson, watch your back.
Four iron thrones and a crossbow.
Pippa Benson
(Colleges Officer)On the OUSA website, all the Execcies are listed with their first and last names – Francisco Hernandez, Blake Luff, Anonymous Hack, and so on. All except Pippa. Pippa is just “Pippa.” Why is this so? Using deductive reasoning, Critic surmises that she must be either a) a rapper or b) a Brazilian footballer, and has quietly put its money on c) both of the above.
Unfortunately Pippa didn’t lay down any sick rhymes at the meeting, and the only dribbling that occurred was when Critic fell asleep briefly during one of Fran’s speeches. Still, there was no ball handy and not many words rhyme with “colleges,” so Pippa (or P1PP4, as her label has called her) is off the hook for now.
Where were we? Oh yeah, colleges. Pippa’s pretty quiet during Exec meetings, so much so that Critic recalls its surprise when one day she piped up and it turned out that she was Canadian. She seems to be doing the bare minimum required, though this might be due to one of her first-semester projects – more local engagement – falling through. Shame, locals. She has more lined up for the coming quarters, including a music tournament and a colleges website.
Two loudspeakers and half a cheeseburger.
Rachael Davidson
(Campaigns Officer)Rachael put her full title as “Campaigns and Initiative Portfolio Executive Officer.” We’re pretty sure that’s bull, but nothing about OUSA surprises us any more. For all we know, Fran is really the Presidential Perpetual Game of Thrones Reference Disseminator and Undercover Lizard Man, which would actually explain a lot.
Anyway, this is Rachael’s first quarter as the Campaigns and Initiative Portfolio Executive Officer (“Campaigns Officer” to her friends), and much of her work so far has been “making herself known,” “working closely with the community,” “gaining valuable insight” – in other words, nothing substantial. For instance, part of Rachael’s job description is to sit on the Events and Communications Committees, which, she has discovered after some investigation, do not actually exist.
Although she hasn’t really been given much to do yet, Rachael has thrown herself behind other Exec initiatives, including Lucy’s fair trade fortnight and animal micro-chipping project. She also plans to launch a Mental Health Awareness Week in second semester.
Three lip piercings.
Lucy Gaudin
(Finance Officer)Lucy has been doing such a good job as Finance Officer that Fran made her chair of the meeting. Or something. Actually, it turned out that Fran was playing the long game – the game of chairs, if you will – and was subtly stacking the Exec in anticipation of an upcoming vote on funding for “E-Sports,” his pet project. Because the chair cannot vote on matters before the Exec, Fran was able to neutralise Lucy (who has consistently opposed reckless spending, or indeed spending of any kind). A competent Finance Officer Lucy may be, but a Machiavellian genius she is not.
Lucy’s report got a gold star from the teacher, with Fran describing it as “excellent” – possibly because it wasn’t simply copied and pasted from previous reports, which seemed to be the theme. With her report coming in at a hefty 3,405 words, Lucy is nothing if not meticulous – unsurprising as she pretty much lives at the office (though we’re pretty sure she spends most of that time on Facebook).
It’s hard to fault Lucy on any of the things she’s doing, particularly as Critic doesn’t understand half of them and couldn’t be bothered reading about the other half (I mean, seriously, 3,405 words?). She’s a strong presence during Exec meetings, and the other Execcies all seem to look up to her. Plus she made Critic some biscuits. Probably a bribe, but hey, they tasted good.
Five bribery biscuits.
Zac Gawn
(Admin Vice-President)Oh, Zac. You naughty boy.
Zac’s report came in a full week late, despite repeated reminders from Fran, and he found himself on the receiving end of a particularly harsh dressing-down from the President. “This is completely unacceptable,” Fran thundered. “You’re the Vice President and you need to set a better example.”
The Exec voted to dock a week’s worth of Zac’s honorarium, and sent him to the naughty step to think about what he’d done.
Zero firm handshakes.
Jordan Taylor
(Education Officer)Jordan has been away for most of the semester, so Fran has been Acting Education Officer. He’s been too busy to do much in the role, but nobody seemed to notice.
An unspecified number of books.
Blake Luff
(Recreation Officer)Blake’s competitive spirit (SPORTS) saw him be the first to submit his report. This success had clearly pumped him up, and he punctuated the rest of the meeting with a variety of whoops, shouts and hand-claps.
Blake reckons he’s been a busy boy, noting that if he “gives up sleep” he is able to exceed his 10-hour-per-week Executive duties. This must mean that on Blake’s list of priorities, Executive duties are somewhere above “things I don’t do because I am asleep” and somewhere below “everything else that I do.” Duly noted.
Blake’s biggest project – Uni Games – happened in the first quarter, and while the second has “flown by” he hasn’t actually been around for much of it, having been on placement for six weeks. Nonetheless, he seems to be keeping up with all his day-to-day responsibilities, going to committee meetings and liaising regularly with OUSA Recreation staff. This is Blake’s second year in the role, so even on autopilot he’s a pretty competent member of the Exec.
Two fist-bumps and a rugby chant.
Keir Russell
(Postgraduate Officer)Keir’s report was a bit terse, some of the comments on aspects of his role reading simply “yup.” Perhaps he’s a little frazzled; elsewhere in the report, he writes, “I have actively promoted the referenda and my views on it. This resulted in long messages from several postgraduate students with strong views. The exchanges were robust.” Critic’s seen a lot of postgraduate politics, and can imagine what happened. Poor Keir. That can’t have been fun.
Two hugs and nice cup of tea.
Gianna Leoni
(Te Roopu Maori President)Gianna’s role is a bit of an odd one, as she’s required to juggle her responsibilities as an Execcie and as President of Te Roopu, a separate body. She’s been handling this well, although at times those commitments have clashed. Te Roopu has been very busy this last quarter, as Gianna’s detailed report shows, and has benefited greatly from the appointment of a Tumuaki Taurua (Vice President) and Secretary.
Four racially sensitive objects.
Kamil Saifuddin
(International Oficer)Kamil actually submitted his report from Australia – how international! A detailed breakdown of every aspect of his role, it mostly consisted of short statements along the lines of “I spoke to some people once and haven’t heard from them again so I can only assume everything is going swimmingly at their end.”
Kamil isn’t the most proactive person. He seems to miss a lot of meetings – “I am always out and about, and always on the move,” he cryptically explains – and he doesn’t speak up much when he does attend. Despite this, he’s helped organise events like the International Sports Games in May.
It’s particularly telling when under the “Progress on Goals” section of his report, Kamil dedicates a lengthy paragraph (the longest of his report) to the gradual realisation that there is a thing called Kiwi Host and that it is run by the Accommodation Office. “This,” he declares, “is major progress.”
He’s been in the job six months now. Just sayin’.
Two apologies for non-attendance.
Ruby Sycamore-Smith
(Welfare Officer)Ruby has really sunk her teeth into the role. Her report could have used some proof-reading, as there were “neumous” spelling mistakes, but she’s an enthusiastic presence who’s put together a strong and active Welfare Committee. She’s stoked to be part of “the number one student assoication [sic] in the country, well, in the world!”, and it shows.
Ruby has been particularly active on mental health and women’s issues. In a stunning victory for feminism against rampant gender stereotypes, Ruby notes that the Women’s Room has been “filthy” this year, and she has been busy making signs with a “keep it clean or lose it” message.
Ruby is generous with her time, putting in a lot of hours across a broad range of initiatives. She’s always a cheerful, congenial presence in Exec meetings and is a constant source of great quotations. Science may “freak [her] out,” but Critic’s still a fan.
Four mouth guards and a dictionary.