In response to slipping academic performance in semester two, the University has recently announced plans to “crack down on 21st season” that is currently dominating the student social calendar. Plans to limit the number of 21st events were passed by the University Senate last week, and were backed by police, OUSA and the City Council.
Under this policy, Union Hall and the Main Common Room will host a weekly 21st celebration in semester two. In a statement to Critical Tribune, a University spokesperson said the rationale underpinning the decision was “students getting too overwhelmed with Facebook invites, and the impossible decision of which of three 21sts to hit on a given weekend”. Under the new plans, the University will automatically group every student turning twenty-one in a given week for a combined celebration.
OUSA Student Support backed the move, telling Critic that they had seen a “record increase in distressed students wanting to study, but feeling the moral obligation to ‘show face’ at their mate’s 21st”. Now, with only one 21st each weekend, there is more time to study, and less time wasted frantically dashing between flats, sports clubs and function rooms in the effort of being a good friend.
However, some students have not taken the proposal well. Critical Tribune understands most of the controversy has arisen from strict new rules on 21st speeches. With up to twenty students now forced to have a combined 21st, each student only gets to nominate one person to give a thirty second speech.
One student, James Yardie, said that the announcement has already led to conflict between his flatmates and missus: “No matter who I choose for the speech, everybody else is gonna feel shafted”. In response to the critiques, a University spokesperson explained that “modelling of the combined 21st models shows that twenty thirty second speeches is actually quicker than five people taking their sweet time with speeches. This is actually good for student wellbeing, as we all know how cooked their attention spans are.”
Another group firmly in opposition to the proposal are local venues around town, faced with a University monopoly over celebrations. Many local bars and clubs are now facing closures on Saturday nights, as half of the student population will be in the Main Common Room for their mate’s big day. “If this is the closest we’re getting to a student bar, then fuck this,” complained an anonymous bartender at a 21st venue hotspot.
With Saturday nights firmly reserved for 21st season, this now leaves Thursday and Friday nights free for tauira to work on their studies. However, the University’s plans haven’t stopped there, with a partnership with Public Health Researchers announced to curb 21sts happening in September. “Simply too many parents are shagging at Christmas, resulting in late-September babies, with no consideration of how congested it makes the 21st season down the track,” explained Professor Bag. Public health messaging will be put out, encouraging prospective parents to “wait a little bit longer” and hoping to spread the distribution of birthdays into something more uniform. In future generations, this will mean there won’t be a 21st season – leaving more time to study for those pesky semester two exams.
Anticipating backlash, the University has assured attendance at the combined 21sts will be free, and subsidised drinks will be available for $5 a pop, pending future inflation. When asked if yardies will be allowed at the new 21st format, the University simply replied “you’re dreaming, mate.”
