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Critic hadn’t had a rendezvous with the Proctor since before the holidays, so we were expecting a good haul of stories when we strolled into his mighty chambers of justice. Disappointingly, Re-O Week seems to have been a relatively tame affair, with no stories of note from our favourite disciplinarian. Thankfully, however, the pre-holiday period was much livelier, with the University experiencing an influx of wild animals that would have given Steve Irwin a wet dream.

Actually it was just a stray dog and five chickens, but hey.
 
The stray wandered onto campus, having arrived from Opoho via a scenic stroll through the Botanical Gardens, and ended up taking residence in a Burns lecture theatre. He sat quite happily up the back, presumably listening to whatever airy-fairy-hippie they had teaching in Burns that day, before Campus Watch came and removed him. The poor mutt apparently had “a wire in his head that wasn’t quite right” according to the Proctor. Between the brain damage, his unkempt appearance and his festering smell, we imagine he probably fitted in quite well with the arts students.
 
Around exam time, one of the best library pranks Critic has ever heard of went down in the Central Library. Forget dropping suitcases full of cutlery down the stairs, these innovators let five live chickens loose on the upstairs floor of the Library. The Proctor said that Campus Watch was deployed when the situation was discovered, and that they were quickly in “hot pursuit” of the chickens who were actually “relatively tame.” Personally we’ve never seen Campus Watch move at any pace that would count as “hot pursuit”, but then they do say there is a first time for everything.
 
The only way this prank could have been improved would have been to label the fowl 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, which would have undoubtedly led to Campus Watch spending the rest of the day in search of Chicken #4. The SPCA apparently took possession of the chickens, saving them from a fate worse than death: becoming the buns of a KFC Double Down.
 
To round things off with a human stupidity story, a flat of lads had a bit of a ‘mare when they OD-ed on Jackie Chan movies and decided to try out their roundhouse kicks inside the flat. The dwelling’s resplendent mahogany banisters were the unfortunate victims of this drunken escapade, and every single one of the beams was kicked out in an impressive orgy of kung fu. Even more impressive than the lad’s high-kicks is the price-tag associated with the night’s drinking; Critic understands that it’s a solid $9,500. That’s a lot of lapdances at Stilettos, and a shit ton of Southern Golds. Not such a good idea maybe.