Second year breatha, Shooda Sckipt, was sat in his Tuesday morning lecture last week. Talking to Critical Tribune reporters, Shooda recounted that he had “surprisingly mustered up the courage” to make it to a lecture for a class that had an upcoming midterm assignment – no small feat. After an impressive shift’s worth of scrolling IG reels on his laptop and watching the blonde in the next row online shop, the clock was ticking towards the quarter past mark. Shooda told Critical Tribune that he had skipped breakfast, and couldn’t wait to make it back home to “eat a bowl of protein powder and smoke a chop.”
However, things would not go so smoothly for Shooda. All of a sudden, his lecturer posed a question. “Surely, she must have been speaking rhetorically,” he told Critical Tribune, still clearly shocked by what happened next. There was silence. She asked once again, “anyone?” Shooda recalled thinking ‘shit, does she mean us?’
Quickly, Shooda scanned the lecture slide. And then he scanned the lecture slide again (reading is hard). One of the first row freaks and an American had already answered questions earlier on, so the professor was looking for some fresh meat. Shooda thought long and hard. He told Critical Tribune that he remembered thinking, “‘hm, I remember seeing a YouTube Short about this.’”
The silence was reaching an unbearable length when the lecturer promised to dismiss the class once there was a volunteer. Suddenly, Shooda found his hand slowly being raised, with the professor signaling to him with clear relief. Other lecture attendees told Critical Tribune that he “basically just explained the trolley problem.” Shooda added that “huzz were more than impressed” by his academic performance. Despite this, other lecture attendees confirmed to Critical Tribune that they “were not.”
Once Shooda had finished justifying poverty and mass wealth inequality as a necessary evil for the prosperity of capitalism, the professor sighed and replied “sure”, to which the entire class started packing up their things and headed for the door.
