Panic sweeps through the University of Otago campus this week after meteorologists issued an unprecedented forecast predicting “localized blizzard conditions” for Union Lawn, where a sudden 36-tonne snowfall is expected to bury the area on September 18.
The snowstorm, strangely absent from MetService reports, has been attributed not to climate change, but to the Snow Sports Club and Red Bull NZ importing truckloads of snow for the upcoming Rail Jam. Officials warn that temperatures in the Union Lawn “microclimate” could drop to a chilly “bring a hoodie” level, with the chance of ski boots appearing spontaneously in lecture theatres.
“We’re treating this as a full-scale emergency,” said a University spokesperson. “Students should prepare for whiteout conditions, terrain features on their way to class, and the sudden appearance of a five-metre scaffolding jump beside the library.”
The Civil Defence plan reportedly includes salting the Link to prevent rail slides, while OUSA has urged students to stockpile essentials such as goon bags.
Eyewitnesses say the ducks of the Leith have already migrated to the Union Lawn to begin nesting in the imported snow, with one duck reportedly “stomping a surprisingly clean tailpress on the practice rail.”
Still, not everyone is alarmed. “We’ve seen worse,” said fourth-year engineering student Max Hamilton. “Last year we had a couch fire that changed the weather pattern over Castle Street for two weeks.”
The Rail Jam officially begins September 18, with organisers promising “a Category 5 snowstorm of stoke.” Students are advised to bring protective eyewear, avalanche transceivers, and at least one mate willing to film their fall for Instagram.