EXCLUSIVE! Salacious OUSA Exec Quotes

EXCLUSIVE! Salacious OUSA Exec Quotes

She said what???

It’s difficult to know what else lies behind the big green door of our OUSA overlords (exec). Love? Gossip? Rivalry? Sex? Murder? Armed with a pen, a notepad, and explicit orders from the editor to source a tabloid-worthy insider scoop, Critic Te Ārohi’s News Editor went to find out at one of the exec’s weekly meetings. 

Unfortunately, the only time anything interesting happened was in committee (when they say confidential shit we’re not allowed to report on). Critic was forced to resort to jotting down out-of-context quotes about the exec’s personal lives. 

Emily Williams, Administrative VP: To Keegan, “OMG, you were in my dreams last night.” 

It doesn’t take Sherlock to realise that Emily’s innocent comment yearns for reciprocation. Keegan is unbothered, hopelessly and horribly ignorant of Emily’s deep-seeded affection - oh the tragedy!

Keegan Wells, President: “Heck yeah the youth!”

This comment was made after it was announced that it was youth week, which makes sense. But also, Keegan’s a sixth-year so she’s basically a grandma saying goofy things like this to seem young and hip.

Liam White, Political Representative: “Just as Chris Bishop doesn’t need democracy, neither do we!”

Sometimes you just get too deep and this is one of those cases. Liam, having sent enough unanswered letters to politicians to light a fire with, now thinks politics is a futile waste of time. For Liam, there is only power, and those bold enough to claim it!

Stella Lynch, Academic Representative: “Fill in your surveys in Q.U.A.C.K so I don’t cry.”

Q.U.A.C.K is thought to be an acronym for ‘Quietly Undermining A Corrupt Keegan’ by inside sources (Critic). Because being the Academic Rep is so joyous, Stella’s emotions are wildly volatile. Is she laughing? Is she crying? Who’s to say.

Emma Jackson, Clubs and Socs Representative: “There’s a meeting at 6 in the Clubs n Socs [something] room.” 

Critic Te Ārohi left the OUSA exec meeting confident in the knowledge that something was going to be happening in the something room – we’re just not sure who, where, why, or what it's all about. Emma has spent so much time in OUSA Clubs and Socs, the place is now all the same to her, as she strolls its empty halls day and night, lusting after new clubs to entice and consistently attending free breakfast.

Tara Shepherd, Welfare and Equity Representative: “I love Kanye more than equity.”

This banger was used during a debate arguing for the creation of a Kanye Representative on the exec. Tara agreed to accommodate the new role into her busy schedule. Tara welcomes all students to contact her with all Kanye-related inquiries (welfare@ousa.org.nz).

Abby Clayton, Finance and Strategy Officer: “We had a big shopping trip…”

You know what that means: Abby is spending OUSA money in style, sifting around town, trying on sick costumes from Look Sharp, and shelling out on a lifetime supply of peanut butter. It’s a really hard time for Abby right now, she needs this, even if it means we have to stop free breakfast for a while following her next shopping spree!

Other golden out of context quotes:

Keegan: “I’m not telling. You’d love to know wouldn’t you?”
Liam: “My dad told me I have a face for radio.”
Keegan: “I think everyone should be allowed to drink drive once a year on their birthday"

This article first appeared in Issue 13, 2024.
Posted 7:32pm Sunday 26th May 2024 by Hugh Askerud.