News

The Proctor had some words of wisdom to impart this week about “planking”, a recent fad that involves lying down with your arms by your sides in weird public places and photographing it. In short; don’t do it.

There have apparently been some students planking around campus recently, “finding out what it’s all about.” The Proctor wouldn’t tell Critic any more details of who these plankers (wankers?) are, or where they were doing it, for fear of encouraging others to follow their example, but he did call the whole idea “crazy,” and recommends that people not do it “in stupid places”. Especially not on seventh floor balconies.
 
If you need help resisting the planning phenomenon, Critic recommends the Facebook group “Not planking cause your [sic] a normal cunt”. Despite the grammar-fail in the group title, they’ve generally got the right idea.
 
If looking for something to do in study-avoidance mode that doesn’t involve planking, bear in mind that certain forms of procrastination aren’t legit. This includes having a flat BBQ in the Botanical Gardens over an open fire that you’ve lit. Luckily Campus Watch was close on hand for this one and managed to “tromp out” the fire before extinguishing it with one of the group’s own beers. Critic hopes that one of the local wildlife specimens wasn’t on the menu; roast duck à la Gardens is bound to be laden with some class of disease (although those ducks are grain-fed these days, which we must admit does sound kind of appetising).
 
At least things didn’t get any further out of hand, with the Proctor speculating that the group could have made themselves “internationally infamous” from the incident if they had managed to set alight an urban garden and burn those parrots that live up the hill. Somehow the culprits were only fined $300 for their poor judgement; hopefully they can still afford the flat shop this week or those ducks might be making a reappearance on the menu.
 
Red cards are also providing a bit of a headache at the moment, with pissed-as second year scarfies heading back to their old halls of residence to relive the glory days of first year. A mission to revisit your old room would probably constitute a nasty shock for the person living in it this year, especially at this time of year, have some sympathy for fuck’s sake – they’ve probably got a HUBS test on this week that will determine their entire future.
 
Also as a public service announcement the Proctor would like to remind all students that laptops do NOT belong on a bench, in front of a window that faces onto the street, in full view of large volumes of passing foot traffic. You’re asking for it to get stolen, and for the lucky recipient of your computer to discoveryour kinky YouPorn fetish that you didn’t wipe from the history. You’ve been warned.