Aquinas Has a Bra Thief

Aquinas Has a Bra Thief

Not what we meant by free the nip, but close enough

News of a bra thief on the loose in Aquinas has students in a panic. Sources say that the thief has been on the loose since the beginning of March. 

In the space of a few weeks, several pairs of women’s brassiere and underwear have been reportedly stolen, leading residents to suspect the bra thief’s presence. Garments have been stolen from both washing piles and even directly from residents' rooms, making for more serious consequences if the thefts continue. 

Critic Te Ārohi spoke with Aquinas resident Kate for some insight into the reign of terror, one of the first victims of the lingerie-obsessed criminal. At first, she said she found the theft “rather funny as the bra was hung on a door, in an easy to access location.” But this outlook changed rapidly as rumours circulated that the assailant was breaking into locked rooms to expand their collection.

Kate suggested to Critic that a set of ageing locks on residents’ doors may have been the potential reason for the series of break-ins, which we were unable to confirm. The rise in thefts has also coincided with a recent rise in “carding” but Kate was uncertain if this had anything to do with the issue. Kate said that the thief allegedly broke in with “nothing but a student ID card,” implying that those affected had “carded” (keeping your keycard constantly in the door) or not. “From what I’ve gathered, a lot of guys were doing it to get into girls' rooms,” said Katie. 

According to sources within the hall, the peak of break-ins came around St Patty’s Day, with several male students reportedly entering female residents' rooms whilst their inhabitants were still sleeping. Male students allegedly took photos of female residents while they slept, yet the extent to which this happened was not ascertained by Critic Te Ārohi. 

Another Aquinas student, Joshua, told Critic that, “It’s all happening on the second floor.” He continued his speculation stating, “I think it’s a few boys going into girls rooms but I don’t know any names.” As the conversation continued, Joshua ominously said that “there’s a lot worse things that have happened here recently.” Joshua is truly battle hardened at this point from all the shit Aquinas has thrown at him.

Kate suggested to Critic Te Ārohi that the thefts only happened two or three times, yet reports that other break-ins could have occurred over the recent period. Watch this space, I guess.

This article first appeared in Issue 6, 2024.
Posted 8:58pm Friday 5th April 2024 by Sam Smith-Soppet.