Despite the Proctor telling Critic that statistics would indicate that the standard of student behaviour is going up, a number of youthful delinquents around campus are still keeping him in a job.
In a rare example of female misconduct, a flat of girls have been using a neighbouring business’s rubbish skip to get rid of their junk. Despite claiming that they didn’t know that wasn’t allowed, they are now paying for the emptying of the skip for the rest of the year. A pack of those DCC rubbish bags would probably have been a tad cheaper. Just a tad.
At Unipol, a gentleman the Proctor described as a “large, ugly, young guy” waved his girlfriend’s student ID card to get into the gym. Reception staff inexplicably picked up on the fact that the towering, unshaven monstrosity in front of them wasn’t the girl depicted in the photo. The lovebirds are now adding to the coffers of OUSA through Foodbank donations. Perhaps a fitting alternative method of weight loss now that the slop is banned from Unipol?
Other fatties that have stumbled onto the Proctor’s radar lately include four young lads who were on a mission to town to get some greasies. Unfortunately, other citizens had inconsiderately placed a few obstacles in their way on the arduous journey, including a number of cars that are now significantly worse for wear. Each of the geniuses ran over the top of a car, causing all sorts of damage to the structural integrity of the vehicles, and all sorts of headaches for the Proctor. The damage assessment for the first car has come in at $2600, and the four musketeers still have to sort out the requirements for their diversion with the police as well. Oops.
In probably the easiest solved crime the Proctor has seen in a while, an elevator in town got jammed when a bunch of students decided to jump up and down in it, triggering the alarm mechanism. The culprits were rescued by technicians about forty minutes after the bright idea first struck them, and now face a fine of a couple of hundred dollars. Perhaps take the stairs next time.
Ina public service announcement, the Proctor wishes to warn that a bunch of bikes around campus have also been going AWOL recently, even ones that have been locked up. The Proctor encourages students to lock your bikes securely, and not just chain up the front wheel because that can go walkabout too. If Thursday’s winds are anything to go by, speculation is that the bikes probably flew away, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang style. Whatever you do though, do not start driving to uni; after all, some fatty might mistake your car roof for the footpath.
Proctology -11
