Critic collected eight stranger’s search histories and psychoanalyzed them, using an expert Geology student, to predict who searched for what. Then we checked the correct answers. Here’s how we did:
(Our speculation in regular font, correct answers in bold)
Looks like this person isn’t from around here, and online throwbacks are the only way they know how to connect with their peers. Based on the high rates of spelling mistakes, this person probably only uses YouTube on the piss, specifically to reminisce with friends. There’s a big nostalgia factor here, and it appears that this person is mentally stuck at the age of 15, potentially due to trauma. The “Medieval Dolly Parton” bit is really making this difficult, especially because it’s spelled correctly and therefore was a sober Google. The horny Twilight and Naruto searches indicate a Wattpad fanfic writer, who may be very into tentacle porn. Probably listens to The Smiths.
Drinks: Long Island Iced Teas
Studies: Zoology
Demographic: Female, 22 years old, from UK or Australia
Lives: North East Valley
Sex position: Whatever makes the guy happy
Occupation: New World Clerk by day, OnlyFans by night
Drinks: Smirnoff Cranberry Goons (specifically for UTI’s)
Studies: Science Communication
Demographic: Female, 23, from UK
Lives: In town
Sex position: Whatever makes the guy happy
Occupation: Mortician’s assistant
Has a cat, cat needs a hat, not sure what else to say besides that. Definitely artsy, possibly an older student, probably with a cat. Based on the Maneskin searches, they clearly either watched Eurovision or use Tik Tok, so they can’t be too old. Or maybe they’re just European. Absolutely clueless as to what the “Woman who looks like Buzz Lightyear” bit is supposed to indicate, but it’s worth a Google. The search history hints at someone who is art-focused, in their mid-twenties, with a good understanding of memes and a Tik Tok presence.
Drinks: Nice gin and cheap beer
Studies: English, but wishes she went to art school
Demographic: 25-year-old woman, from Wellington
Lives: South D
Sex position: Cowgirl
Occupation: Unemployed
Drinks: Double Brown or Jaeger
Studies: Design
Demographic: 23, female, Timaru
Lives: City Rise
Sex position: Doggy
Occupation: Designer, but also Bogan
Okay, so, after some Googling, we can be pretty sure that this is a dentist. And evidently, one with some lower back pain. The “Serein Wu facial” is just a two-hour montage of someone else getting a face massage, and the combination of “Friends Trailer” and “Dance Moms” is just about the lamest thing you could search for on YouTube. Looks like a woman’s interests. The best part of this whole thing, though, is that it looks like she spent so long looking for a 40-minute cardio routine that she had to change course and search for a 30-minute one instead because she didn’t have enough time for the full workout.
Drinks: Sparkling Seltzers
Studies: Dentistry
Demographic: 19-year old girl from Christchurch
Lives: In a hall
Sex position: Virgin
Occupation: Personal Trainer
Drinks: Wines of all variety
Studies: Dental surgery
Demographic: 20, female, Christchurch
Lives: Studentville Flat
Sex Position: Missionary
Occupation: Receptionist
Hmm, not a lot to go off of here. The cannonball search is from a video game, so we’re going ‘male’ on this one. Potentially someone with an oil burn from cooking bacon, because he’s looking for alternatives. We suspect that this person may have been cheating at a pub quiz, based on the “female celebrities” bit. Shame on them. The willingness to continue cheating on the pub quiz further implies a male searcher, and he must be an outdoorsy one based on the fishing apparel search. Of course, this could just be an attempt to look outdoorsy. With the combo of cheating at a pub quiz, looking outdoorsy, and searching for UniFlats, we conclude that this must be an international student still here after the Covid lockdown. Not sure how you’re still here, but hope you’re doing well, buddy.
Drinks: Speight’s, in an attempt to blend in
Studies: Geography
Demographic: 22-year-old, Male, from Western USA
Lives: Studentville
Sex position: Power bottom
Occupation: No working rights on the visa
Drinks: NZ lager
Studies: Law and Stats
Demographic: 21, Male, Auckland
Lives: North Dunedin
Sex Position: Doggy
Occupation: Apple Thinner
Marble League and Handball indicate someone who is into sport, but not into mainstream sport, so potentially a male who doesn’t really vibe with the whole “sports bar” scene. There are some pretty weird entries here, too, like just the word “polygon” and the phrase “some more news”, which don’t offer a whole lot of insight. “Tujhse Hai Raabta” is an Indian drama centered around a balcony-related death, and is totally out of place, indicating an Indian influence in this person’s life, maybe even a friend or partner. The RNZ livestream search and taskmaster interest give off a ‘hipster barista’ vibe, which correlates strongly with ‘social smoker with tattoos’ and ‘roll up beanie with craft beers’.
Drinks: Redbull vodkas and Seltzers
Studies: English or MFCO
Demographic: 21-year old, male, from Wellington
Lives: NE Valley
Sex position: Doggy
Occupation: Delivereasy driver, aspires to work at Kiki Beware
Drinks: Electric Dry Hop Acid Test (nice)
Studies: Ecology with a minor in MFCO
Demographic: 20, Non-Binary, Kapiti
Lives: North Dunedin
Sex Position: Drought
Occupation: Research Assistant
Yeah so this is a weird one. Looks like someone must have been trying to settle a debate about the Cars universe, and really wasn’t backing down on the Lightning McQueen front. An obsessive personality, perhaps? Also heaps of searches for Samoan terms, so either someone who has to pronounce things in public soon and is trying to practice, or actually speaks Samoan and was just checking something. Polite, either way. Really not sure what to make of this, but now we’re concerned for McQueen.
Drinks: White wine, and lots of it
Studies: Graduated with a degree in Public Health
Demographic: 25-year old woman from Auckland
Lives: Roslyn
Sex position: She’s flexible, whatever works
Occupation: Something that involves public speaking and meeting visitors. Some sort of managerial role. Maybe at a departmental office.
Drinks: Gin and Tonic
Studies: Geology
Demographic: 24, Female, Australia
Lives: In a hall
Sex Position: Pegging
Occupation: Depressed postgrad
This person is living on the edge. Water polo, jackass, and freediving is quite the combo. The Verstappen search is about a crashed racecar, and Matty Matheson is the bastard child of a fatter Guy Fieri and Wax Mustang who is also on crack cocaine. We imagine this is a similar demographic to the searcher of these items. Classic breather, we assume. The “Archer” searches scream ‘Reddit user’, and we doubt that this person consumes even a drop of reputable news or vitamin C.
Drinks: Nitro
Studies: Commerce
Demographic: 21-year old male from Auckland
Lives: Castle Street, or close
Sex position: On top but not for more than two minutes
Occupation: Unemployed, obviously
Drinks: Craft beer
Studies: Physio
Demographic: 23, Male, Auckland
Lives: NE Valley
Sex Position: Doggy
Occupation: Physio
This person is a doomsday prepper. Previous searches include an unsolved beheading, a campy insect-focused disaster movie, a remote Otago hut, the inner mechanics of car engines, and a video game centered on fungal zombies. “12 Monkeys” is a film about biological warfare, and “Crime Pays” is a botany-based YouTube channel run by what we can only describe as a misanthropic tattoo-covered ex-con from Chicago, who frequently advocates committing crime in order to lower your neighborhoods rent. This person clearly relishes in the triumph of nature over man. Also they’re also a big ice hockey fan. We really, really do not know why he’s searching for “sinuses”, but that’s kinda the best part.
Drinks: Methylated spirits
Studies: Anatomy (for nefarious purposes)
Demographic: Mentally 50, physically 25, male. From Gore.
Lives: Basement of a Castle street flat. DCC does not know the property exists.
Sex position: Reproduction is a sin
Occupation: Stealing copper pipes and selling them
Drinks: Whiskey on ice
Studies: Geology
Demographic: 23, Male, American
Lives: Studentville
Sex Position: Bound and gagged
Occupation: Mining