Culture

Do you struggle with making basic life decisions? Worried about never bumping into your campus soulmate, or whether to eat two-minute noodles for every dinner this week? Fear not, chums, for I, Madame McMystery, have gazed deep into the cosmos to reveal the secrets the planetary alignments hold in store for you!

(Disclaimer: Madame McMystery is not responsible for any physical or emotional damage caused by the interpretation of her predictions and subsequent actions influenced by them).

Aries
From examining your star chart, it looks like you enjoyed a brief but passionate love affair over the Easter break. While I’m sure the 52 hours you spent together were magical, don’t let this stop you from entering into new relationships, as I don’t see you reuniting until next New Year’s Eve.

Taurus
The first day it rains this week is a good day to stay inside. Given the precarious position of your finance stars, the rain could wash away any good fortune you have coming your way this week; best to play it safe. Also hit up a Pisces if they owe you money, I hear they’re paying back old debts this week.

Gemini
Time to throw in the towel with all this university business and take up the career path you’ve always wanted — exotic massage. Don’t let the reactions of your family hold you back, you’ve got to follow your heart.

Cancer
Cats are your worst enemy this week. Avoid these furry balls of seething hatred at all costs. Especially the ones with white mitten paws — they will be your undoing.

Leo
The position of Pluto warns of impending doom in relation to your academic life. Have you remembered to turn in your assignments? Did you check them through plagiarism software? I don’t know what you’ll do, but I see an angry lecturer in your life.

Virgo
You’re a sensitive soul and you know what you want out of life. Belly rubs. Even though you’re a wee bit shy, I suggest recruiting a few of your nearest and dearest to give your stomach a good pat down every night. This will help with indigestion and will open you up emotionally.

Libra
Following your heart has always led you into trouble, so this week you should just point your right hand out and follow that instead. It may not sound practical, but it should keep you out of trouble for a bit.

Scorpio
This half of the semester is where you’re going to turn it all around. No more skipping classes and sleeping till 2pm, you are a studying machine — the likes of which Otago has never seen before (outside of St Margaret’s).

Sagittarius
Ftrom the position of Sirius and Jupiter, I see money coming your way this week. This is a good time to enter all the sweepstakes and competitions you can get your grubby little hands on. Avoid the lotto and scratchies though. Those are the tools of the devil.

Capricorn
This is not what I meant when I told you that you would start drinking again. What was that last Saturday night? You need a cool-off period of 2–3 weeks, buddy. No more twerking for you.

Aquarius
Blanket forts are the bee’s knees, and yours will be the fort to rule them all. People will come from lands afar to marvel at your cozy fortress and enjoy a good game of Monopoly. It’s also a hell of a pick-up line, so I don’t see you being lonely in the immediate future.

Pisces
There is an expense hanging over your head that you have been putting off paying for quite some time now. Pay it, watch the money in your bank account dwindle into nothing, and breathe. All will be well.