As Good as Mould

As Good as Mould

From flocks of seagulls to herds of freshers, beautiful North Dunedin boasts a variety of unique flora and fauna – the most abundant and furtive of which can be found in your very own flat. You guessed it: mould. Your white-toothed suit-wearing landlord only wants you to live amidst the most vibrant of ecosystems. There's arguably no better time to become one with nature (and respiratory infection). Take this quiz to find out which variety of mould you are, and have a closer look at those fungi friends you involuntarily share your flat with. 

1. You’re craving a mid-week adventure, where do you and the flatties head?

a) The beach – campfire and fish ‘n chips compulsory
b) Student Health (flat flu shots)
c) Up a mountain
d) Castle for some VBs
e) Pint night

2. In the crisp cold of this Ōtepoti autumn, how do you keep warm?

a) Spending the day under your duvet with a cup of tea 
b) Putting every layer you own on until you start sweating
c) You call this cold?
d) A long, hot, and steamy shower 
e) Starting a situationship

3. It's flat movie night. What kind of doco do you pick?

a) Something with baby animals
b) Doesn’t matter, you’ll fall asleep halfway through
c) Adventure sports vlogs on YouTube
d) A celebrity biopic
e) Some fucked up true crime

4. Which is your preferred mode of transport to uni?

a) Walking school bus with your friends
b) Crawling
c) Via slackline or some shit
d) Roller skates
e) An unnecessarily loud ute

5. Which North D wildlife do you find the most endearing?

a) The friendly spider that lives in your bathroom
b) Campus Watch 
c) The humble trash seagull
d) Bill and Bill (RIP)
e) Freshers

6. What new hobby are you trying?

a) Baking bread
b) Embroidery 
c) Naked base jumping 
d) Crochet
e) Podcasting

Mostly As: Blue Bread Mould – Penicillium
What an absolute treasure you are! You’re harmless and give off purely good vibes. Making great food for the flat is your forte. You are, without a doubt, the mum of your friend group and responsible for organising every trip that makes it out of the group chat. 
Pro tip: Nothing, keep living your best life. And perhaps freeze your bread. 

Mostly Bs: Black Rot – Alternaria 
You take everyone's breath away. Literally – you get everyone sick. Rumour has it that you never recovered from the fresher flu two years ago, causing your immune system to drop out and go to UC. It’s not all bad though. Being sick all the time means you have the best binge-worthy Netflix recommendations. Just do everyone a favour and stop coming to the library and coughing everywhere. 
Pro tip: Up that vitamin C and invest in an industrial dehumidifier. 

Mostly Cs: Green Plant Mould – Cladosporium
The textbook adventurer, you thrive in the great outdoors. Rarely seen by your flatmates in between getting grubby on earthy escapades, you’re near impossible to get a Messenger reply from. You can either be found in a thrifted woollen sweater or completely nude – no in-between. 
Pro tip: A good shower and a soak with white vinegar.

Mostly Ds: Pink Shower Mould – Serratia marcescens
You’re not like other moulds, you’re actually a bacteria – more cultured. While your ‘everything showers’ may rack up the power bill and piss off your flatmates, it pays off. Your look is iconic. But you’re not just a pretty face; your persistence and determination to grow and become your best bold self is unmatched. 
Pro tip: Suck up to your flatmates and wipe the shower walls with bleach. 

Mostly Es: Toxic Black Mould – Stachybotrys chartarum 
Well, it’s not good news. You have a habit of showing up where you're not invited and are notoriously hard to get rid of. You most commonly reside in your dank Dunners bedroom with the curtains closed. An expert manipulator, even bleach won’t scrub off your narcissism. 
Pro tip: Therapy and the tenancy tribunal. 

This article first appeared in Issue 8, 2024.
Posted 7:40pm Sunday 21st April 2024 by Jodie Evans.