Everyone and their mother are talking about the Countdown rats - those “unsanitary” intruders scurrying across the deli salad and whipping up an ODT storm. But have you stopped to consider how the rats feel? Perhaps each rat has its own complex life, just like yours. They, too, drink way too much at pres, projectile vomit in the toilet of the BYO and wind up sleeping with their ex again. To bridge this gap in human-rat relations, put yourself in their shoes… or paws. Answer these questions and find out which of these misunderstood critters you are.
1. What’s your drink of choice?
a) A cheeky sav
b) Apple juice
c) Cody’s
d) Kombucha
e) Goonbag
f) Classic gin and tonic
2. Favourite genre of film/TV?
a) Romantic comedy (always)
b) Anything with a happy ending
c) Idk, is Wolf of Wall Street a genre?
d) Biographical
e) Action/adventure
f) True crime
3. Pick your flat decor
a) Fairy lights
b) Houseplants
c) Dirty dishes
d) Inspirational quotes
e) A road sign or two
f) Eat the rich poster
4. Your ideal weekend?
a) Retail therapy
b) Volunteering for charity
c) Sinking piss
d) Going to the gym and talking about the gym
e) Climbing a mountain
f) Working. No rest for the wicked
5. What’s your go-to study snack?
a) Choc-dipped almonds
b) A good ol’ sandwich
c) Pie and a Redbull
d) Raw vegetables
e) Beans from the can
f) A wee chocolate bar from a Link vending machine
6. The crime you’re most likely to be arrested for?
a) Tax evasion
b) Getting dragged into a pyramid scheme by someone from your highschool
c) Possession of an illicit substance (or several)
d) Fraud
e) Arson
f) Treason (overthrowing the supermarket duopoly)
Mostly A: Deli Rat
You have a taste for the finer things in life. There’s nothing you love more than a charcuterie board of smoked gouda and brie. Rest assured, that doesn’t stop you from getting rat-girl wasted with the girlies and passing out amidst the Italian olives on a Saturday night. You're blissfully oblivious- what’s this Countdown closure thing all about?
Mostly B: Bakery Rat
You’re really fucking wholesome. You're at your happiest just snoozing between the sourdough and focaccia, where you dream of a simple cottage life like the Sylvanian Family mice. The kind of rat that volunteers at a bake sale on the weekends and who all the elderly rats bloody love. You just want world peace and for Countdown rat-human harmony to be restored.
Mostly C: Booze Rat
With greasy fur and crusty whiskers, you're the one that kicked off this whole hygiene complaint. As far as rats go, you lean pretty far into the stereotype. When not on the VBs, you can be found still comatose in the confectionary aisle at 11am. Fresh Produce Rat is convinced you have scurvy.
Mostly D: Fresh Produce Rat
Your body is a temple. Most commonly found lifting celery, squatting garlic or nagging Booze Rat to join you for yoga by the bagged salads. You follow a raw vegan diet, supplemented by weekend nose beers. Really hates being called ‘vermin’ in the papers- you actually work hard for your appearance and this is just extremely insulting.
Mostly E: Freezer Rat
You can survive under any conditions. You thrive on the adrenaline of traversing icy shelves and pushing your body to its physiological limits. You beat to the sound of your own drum and go where life takes you (but you have your sights set on the frozen meats tower of New World next).
Mostly F: Checkout Chick Rat*
Your bubbly demeanour and charming smile may win you sales-rat of the month but you are not to be overlooked. Behind that shrill customer service voice and those acrylics is a vigilante. You're an unrelenting, calculated rats-rights activist organising the move to Christchurch Countdown. The rats DO run the city and you intend to make it known.
*Checkout chick rat was actually our primary source for this article. She’s taking a select few press interviews on request.