Stop Pretending You Like Guiness

Stop Pretending You Like Guiness

Saint Patrick's Day Special

Guinness is a fucking scam and you’re only drinking it because you think stomaching it makes you look like a tough cunt one day of the year. Don’t kid yourself – it takes a fucking hour to drink a pint and it’s way too weak to get you on a decent level.

Trying to get genuinely drunk on Guinness will cause you more ‘Troubles’ than an ethno-nationalist conflict in Northern Ireland during the late 20th century. The fact that they are 4.1% and only come in 440ml six packs is bullshit. They’re also fucking expensive at $26, and everyone knows they hike it up around St Patrick’s Day.

Guiness is more overrated than Conor McGregor. I hate this fucking black tar more than Sinead O’Connor hates Catholicism. And that’s not just because it’s a stout, it’s because it’s a shit stout.

Guinness is a versatile beer that’s been poured down many a throat, but it won’t be drunk by basic white girls with ‘kiss me I’m Irish’ painted on their faces dancing around to Galway Girl. Because it tastes the same way the air smells those mornings when the Gregg’s coffee factory is burning off, and even basic white girls are smart enough not to go near it.

If you really want dollars per standard, then go and get a bottle of Jameson for $48 while it’s on special. It might not make you look as hardcore as a Guinness, but it’s going to get you fucked up enough to consider getting with a ginger – and isn’t that what St Paddy’s day is all about?

Tasting notes: Kissing the Blarney Stone, expired chocolate, the olden days

Pairs well with: Honouring your 1% Irish heritage one day out of the year, meat and potatoes, the colour green, cultural appropriation

Froth Level: 4/10

Taste rating: 4/10

This article first appeared in Issue 3, 2018.
Posted 5:10pm Thursday 8th March 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer.