Critic’s infamous blind date column brings you weekly shutdowns, hilariously mismatched pairs, and the occasional hookup. Each week, we lure two singletons to Di Lusso, ply them with food and alcohol, then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox.
If this sounds like you, email email@example.com. But be warned – if you dine on the free food and dash without sending us a writeup, a Critic writer will write one under your name.
And that won’t end well for you.
She likes free food, loves alcohol, and hit the balls well. The pool balls that is.
I didn’t think any good would come from getting my grey tooth fixed at the dentist, but I was wrong… the opportunity arose for a free meal, bar tab and a potential good root. After opting out of the body con dress I settled for something more practical and I was on my way.
Things were off to a flying start when my flat mates and I saw him from a distance with one beautiful man bun. I entered Di Lusso with my head held high after one too many shots and was more than satisfied with the looks my date had been gifted. We bonded over the fact that we were both raised in the same country but to my despair that’s where our similarities ended.
While I was more than happy with the seafood platter he claimed he was allergic which made me question whether he was just one fussy fritter. The alarm bells were really ringing when he informed me that he flatted with all girls in hope of a tidy lifestyle. Finally after learning that he had slowed his drinking down this year in order to get good grades I knew we weren’t meant to be.
Leaving Di Lusso I was feeling rather juiced after he had done most of the talking and I had done most of the drinking. We made our way to another bar where his friends conveniently happened to be. After a few rounds of pool I walked my date home knowing that this is where our romance would end. After he verbally requested for a kiss I felt he had earned it after providing some good yarns and no awkward silences. To my pleasant surprise the kiss was among some of the best I’ve encountered (this is quite an achievement). After exchanging numbers I decided I wasn’t going to waste that $50 bar tab and I charged to the Gorillaz after party feeling content with my night.
Thanks for a good night Critic!
He thinks he’s James Bond, but wears a man bun and forgets names.
I arrived first but two minutes later a blonde, bombshell of a babe walked in. I caught her eye and she flashed me a nervous smile. After spying this bright eyed beauty I definitely wanted to set the tone early. I thought it would be smooth to walk up and go straight for the kiss on the cheek, what a boss-dog! Unfortunately I was so focused on trying to appear suave that her introduction went in one ear and out the other, this would come back to bite me later. We grabbed some drinks and the chat flowed well, it turned out she was a surfer girl with a passion for the outdoors and wild partying. I’d unearthed a diamond in the rough!
However I was determined to grass my chances. I began yammering away like an old woman. I suddenly realised this was a sure-fire way to earn a one-way ticket to Wanksville. Subtly I sought to steer the conversation towards her but she called me out.
“You really haven’t learnt that much about me have you?” she grinned at me cheekily “I bet you don’t even know my name?”
My mind went blank…FUCKING IDIOT YOU FORGOT HER NAME! Moral of the story: trying too hard to be James Bond leads to lifelong strengthening of the wrists and forearms.
Naturally I thought I’d blown things. However a group of my friends passed by on their way to the Octagon (spying on me). They graciously invited us to join them at Ra Bar for a couple more. A few white Russians and some great chirpy banter from the mates seemed to convince her I wasn’t a complete retard. When it came time to say goodbye, we shared a lingering Notebook-esque pash before going our separate ways.
Quote of the night: “No vagina for you tonight, but the least I could do is give you my number”. Girl with chat like that you’re a champion in my books!
Cheers to Di Lusso, Critic, my friends for saving my night and to you. Your name is definitely worth remembering!