Gonorrhoea:Annual number of cases in NZ (20-24yrs): 306 per 100,000 people (0.31%)
As common as: Sharing a birthday with the person next to you (0.3%).
Symptoms: Asymptomatic in 5% of blokes and 50% of blokettes.
Women: May get pussy (vaginal) itch, pussy (pus-like) discharge, pain when peeing.
Men: May get pussy discharge, pain when peeing, testicular pain.
Untreated: Can get pelvic inflammatory disease, testicular inflammation and arthritis.
Treatment: one little prick.
Syphilis:Annual number of cases (20-24years): Ten. Just ten. Not ten percent, just ten.
As common as: Stuff that happens ten times a year. Like OUSA by-elections.
Symptoms: Initially a bumpy thing on your genitals that becomes an ulcery thing on your genitals without ever being painful. After that, shit gets cray-cray.
Untreated: Can get anything from being symptomless (75% of untreated people) to losing your hair and your eyes dying.
Treatment: A slightly bigger prick.
Crabs:Number of cases (20-24years): Maybe around 1-2% Maybe not. We don’t really count this. Also the popularity of Brazilians is wiping the poor mite out. Damn South Americans.
As common as: People that those “We are the 99%” hippies hated (1%).
Symptoms: Itching. Not just limited to pubic hair though – google “pubic lice eyelash”. Preferably somewhere really public.
Untreated: Being labeled a filthy fucker. Having mates chant the South Park “Crab people” at you.
Treatment: A special shampoo you’ll never see Garnier advertise with slow-motion shots of women using it.
If I had the stamina, we’d move on to HIV, but I’m knackered having done all the work while you just starfished on the bottom. If you’re at all worried, go see your GP. In the mean time remember that sex is cleaner when you wrap your wiener. Particularly if you’re putting it in her bum.