Proctology | Issue 6

Proctology | Issue 6

Critic was told this week of a venerable young man whose dismal attempt at self-defence landed him at the Proctorís office. When a wasp approached the chap, he grabbed a glass bottle and threw it in an act of pre-emptive protection from the mighty beast. He soon found that the body mass of a wasp could not stop the bottle mid-flight, nor would his accuracy allow for contact to be made with the intended recipient. The lad did, however, manage to hit a more venomous target, an infuriated truck-driver with a considerably larger body mass.

Upon arrival at the Proctorís office the wee chap provided the legitimate excuse that he suffered from a severe wasp allergy, such that his reaction to the insects may be a little more violent than the average citizenís. Despite this, compensation will be forthcoming to the truckie and the young man has been referred to a specialist to learn some alternative wasp-fighting methods.

An equally out-of-touch student, with a less impressive excuse, has been dealt with by the Campus Cop after being caught stealing an iPad from the Link. The thief was tracked down due to the iPadís locating device, which is a feature of most modern technology these days, a fact the behind-the-times thief was obviously unaware of.

The celebration of St Patrickís Day this year seemed to inspire some partiers to go too far when getting amongst the greenery. Tree-hugging was taken up a notch, with reports of broken trees and torn branches throughout North Dunedin. Next year, the Proctor asks that students try and show their respect to St Patrick in a more wholesome and environmentally friendly manner.

More significant damage was evident on Hyde Street last Saturday. The ridiculously high level of intoxication was quite a horrific sight. If you were one of the comaíd ones (or have been informed that you were), you might want to consider thanking every OUSA, St Johnís, Red Frog or Are You OK Staff that you see. It was probably them who were plying you with water in your semi-naked state, curled up in the gutter amidst a pool of alcohol-ridden vomit. As for the guy who remained blissfully comaíd as the roof collapsed, itís hard to believe youíre still alive. Remember kids: Personal responsibility.
This article first appeared in Issue 6, 2012.
Posted 7:07pm Sunday 1st April 2012 by Bella Macdonald.