Proctology | Issue 2

Proctology | Issue 2

Perhaps the summer break is too long for some students. 94 students managed to lose enough brain cells over the holidays to end up having to climb those stairs to visit the Proctor over O-Week.

Amazingly enough, not one of the incidents leading to these little sit-downs of justice occurred at an OUSA-related Orientation event, which was a huge statement in itself. However, five were sent to the Provost (the guy that can, and probably will, suspend you from Uni for a year) – four for lighting fires, and one for willful damage.

Hopefully lessons can be learnt from the lucky guy who was found comatose on the banks of the Leith. Perhaps next time he will do it during daylight hours, when there is no torrential rain, and no rising river lapping at his feet.

As sweet as it may sound to go and visit your old hall and relive all the memories of your fresher days, it is always highly unappreciated. If you would like to receive a trespassing notice, and a standard $200 fine, then turning up in the early hours of the morning to see “your room” and check out the new talent is definitely the way to go about it.

One clever lass demonstrated just how much her ability to develop a logical plan of action has developed since primary school. Threatening to throw a glass handle, a passing police officer warned her against her own stupidity. The cunning lass then paused and thought for 30 seconds about what she was about to do before deciding to go right ahead and throw the handle anyway. Genius. I’m sure they have her doing her community service in the physics department.

Another girl had a lucky escape when a local loser decided to try and follow her home. A group of heroic young lads nearby stepped in and confronted Pervy McPerve-a-lot. Determined not to leave without his pound of fresh, he turned into Stabby McStab-a-lot, and stuck a glass bottle into one of the young girl’s defenders. You’ll no doubt be shocked to hear that he has been charged by police.

There seems no doubt that the Proctor is safe in his job, though sometimes you wonder if it wouldn’t make sense to get the SPCA involved in dealing with people that seem to act like neglected puppies.
This article first appeared in Issue 2, 2012.
Posted 4:53pm Sunday 4th March 2012 by Staff Reporter.