Oh yeah, it’s coffee date season. It’s time to put away the cameras and allow the singles to have some valuable one on one time (plus me third wheeling at the end of the table). It was a bit like herding cats for this round of dates (mid-sem break, Joel’s report deleting right before the deadline), hence why only one of the dates actually involves coffee and the rest chugging back beers in the early afternoon.
If nothing else, treat this instalment of the Bachelor as some fun date inspo for around the Dunedin area. I’ve helpfully provided a TLDR and Joel’s Date Rate so you can catch the romantic vibes – plus some fun questions you can ask your boo. It’s like a DIY Bachelor!
Joel and Micah
TLDR: Joe’s Garage, 16 degrees, Friday arvo, 2-for-1 Asahi’s (can’t go wrong)
Joel’s Date Rate: 8/10
We all arrive at Joe’s slightly sticky from sweat. The weather is nothing short of insane, a certified Dunner stunner. It’s 4:15 pm, the only time that could work for a date. The bar beckons invitingly. I grab a cider and make my way back to the table. Joel follows me shortly after with a couple of beers, one for him, one for Micah – how sweet. Micah sits opposite Joel, but doesn’t touch the beer in front of him. Instead, a waitress brings over a cup of peppermint tea, which Micah diligently stirs. “It was a two-for-one deal – Micah’s helping me,” Joel tells me hurriedly, referring to the pair of Asahi’s in front of him. Can Joel really be blamed? Who isn’t nervous for what is essentially their first date.
The pair begin to chat (at my prompting) about whether they’re spontaneous or planners. Joel refers to himself as spontaneous, and answers for Micah, calling him a planner (they know each other so well!). Micah agrees, before explaining that he’s planned to speed-run the South Island over the course of approximately three days. “I’ve planned it down to the driving time,” he tells us. He lists off that he’s going to Queenstown, doing the luge, going on a boat-trip in Milford Sound and still somehow making it to Fox Glacier, Franz-Joseph, Hanmer Springs and Christchurch. Joel looks visibly exhausted.
The topic turns to what Joel is up to for the weekend - apparently he’s also off toward the Queenstown way. The two seem keen to hangout if their plans end up aligning, with Micah suggesting grabbing some drinks with friends at some point. Between this and frequent $4 lunch meet cutes, I’m beginning to wonder if they even need me to be arranging dates anymore.
Feeling put out, I prompt the conversation forward, wondering what their most controversial opinion is. “I don’t know, I don’t want to be too controversial. What would you say?” Micah asks Joel, before blurting out that he thinks the moon-landing was fake. “Okay, so – you’re wrong,” replies Joel, looking perplexed. Americans.
The rate at which Joel begins to knock back the Asahi’s picks up, as he’s got work at 5. I ask the pair if they prefer zombies or vampires. “Vampires,” says Joel. “Sometimes I have zombie nightmares. [In the nightmare] I’ll eventually give up and join the zombie side.” He looks haunted. “Vampires,” Micah says cheerily.
Finally, I ask if they prefer Pepsi or Coke. “Pepsi,” replies Micah. Joel pauses, considering the question. “Coke,” he tells me. “Coke is similar to iPhone vibes, Pepsi gives Android,” he says, prompting a giggle out of Micah as he sips the last of his tea and slugs back some of Joel’s Asahi. The date ends shortly thereafter, Joel seemingly buzzing off the beer as he heads to his shift.
Joel and Lily
TLDR: Maggie’s, well-priced lattes, retro, 18 degrees, Saturday morning, 1st day mid-sem
Joel’s Date Rate: 9/10
Joel and Lily have planned to meet at 11am on a truly gorgeous Saturday morning at Maggie’s. It’s a great retro-inspired vibe, and Lily’s vintage, earthy aesthetic makes her fit right in with the decor. We settle down at a table and wait for Joel to arrive. Some lattes are ordered for the table. Joel rocks up shortly thereafter, in a light-green checked shirt. When he sits down opposite Lily, they’re truly postcard level cute.
I start them off with the same planner versus spontaneity question. “Spontaneous,” Lily quips. “I have enough planner in me to get my admin done – but I also work an incredibly spontaneous job [Promotions Manager at RadioOne]. I like being able to go anywhere at the drop of a hat.” “I’m the exact same,” replies Joel. Heart eyes.
I ask the pair when the last prank call they made was. Lily’s eyes grow wide. “When I was like 7 years old. My school had a semi-abandoned office with a phone line. [My friends and I] would do prank calls – the phone line only went to the office and other classrooms. We had a whole school assembly about it. I was sitting there shitting myself, I was such a goody-two shoes. I was like one question away from ratting out everyone.” Joel laughs, mostly due to Lily’s face as she relives something that was obviously very traumatic. Joel recounts that he was prank calling around two weeks ago, where he called his DeliverEasy co-worker in Christchurch with angry restaurant noises off YouTube to wind him up. Lily asks if Joel will get fired for exposing that. “Nah,” says Joel. He pauses. “I hope not,” he says worriedly.
The rest of their date goes like clockwork – they seem to be on the same page about pretty much everything. They talk about deeper stuff too – about how they believe government representatives have a duty of being morally upstanding, how there is a dolphin society, and how kiwis have ‘devolved’ by becoming flightless. They laugh lots and seem to share a similar sense of humour about things. Their conversation is genuinely riveting, and only ends when Lily needs to head home for beach plans with her friend. Too cute.
Joel and Brad
TLDR: (Dusty?) Sunday arvo, Emerson’s, Drama Llama craft beers, #dramallama, being pretentious, gale force winds
Joel’s Date Rate: 8/10
4:15pm on a Sunday is the only time that works in both Joel and Brad’s busy schedules – but it certainly works for an Emerson's brew. We opt to sit in the outdoor area so I can better keep track of the conversation. Usually, there would be absolutely nothing wrong with sitting outside with an overpriced craft bevvy, but for some reason there are absolute gale-force winds that at one point compels Joel to support my laptop from snapping. Perhaps a bad omen?
Both Joel and Brad go for the recommended Drama Llama – a crafty citrus hazy that I’ve already half-drunk myself after showing up slightly early (I love third-wheeling). Feeling in good company, I ask whether the pair are usually fans of craft beer. “God no,” Joel replies, Drama Llama in hand. Okay. Staying true to his choices in XYZ, Brad reaffirms his position as a wine guy. He privately tells me later on that Joel has skirted around the topic when asked whether he enjoyed a cheeky Sav himself, clearly worried about their future if Joel turns out to be a closeted wine-hater. Despite this, during the date he refers to the Drama Llama as “drinkable” – pretty high praise when it comes to craft beer.
With another 5pm shift on the cards, Joel is very conscious of time the entire date. This is exacerbated by Brad turning up a teensy bit late after returning from Southland for his sister’s baby shower (ever the devoted uncle) pushing Joel to have his answers prepped and ready to go – slamming back the Drama Llama as he did so. Despite telling me it tasted like “nothing”, he demoed it in around three gulps. The air is a little tense – not in a sexual way, in a “glancing at your watch, bouncing your leg” way. Bad omen, indeed.
The pair find common ground venting about their packed schedules leaving no time for recreational reading. Joel’s just watched It Ends With Us, sparking a passionate bonding moment over their shared dislike of cancel culture in the context of Blake Lively. “I think Blake Lively’s fucking awesome,” Brad says. “That might be my controversial opinion.” Joel relates, explaining that he has a lot of respect for celebrities that go through it after a small taste of fame with Critic Bachelor (soz). Getting the same questions over and over about Bachelor has helped him understand how some big time celebrities may get a bit snappy in interviews.
Speaking of, I once again ask the pair about their last prank call. Brad sheepishly tells Joel that it was not even two days ago, much to Joel’s glee. He explains that he tracked his mum’s location to a Pak’n’Save, called the store and had them give her a 60th birthday shout-out over the speakers – all while driving. She’s 58, and was apparently furious. “That is so awesome. I’m going to do that to someone,” Joel responds, in utter awe at Brad’s genius. But just as sparks begin to fly, the date has to wrap up when Joel must boost it to another shift. That man is always on the grind.
Until next time, Drama Llamas.