Archive

Medical Student Concedes She is Not a Doctor

Posted 3:54pm Sunday 26th September 2021 by The Critical Tribune

In a shocking revelation, medical student Lily has admitted that she is “not a doctor”. Lily’s friend Sam was playing a game of pick up at Logan park. He twisted his ankle, and the crowd turned to well-known second year med student Lily for help. She refused. “I’m Read more...

Stella Artois

Posted 3:50pm Sunday 26th September 2021 by Abraham Drinkin'

Do you believe that taxation is literally theft? Do you find yourself retching in disgust as you walk past commoners drinking boxes of Flame? Does Maggie Thatcher’s steely gaze awaken something deep within? Stella Artois is perfect for showing your lower class friends you aren’t out Read more...

Horoscope

Posted 3:46pm Sunday 26th September 2021 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Instead of pre-planning New Years, focus on those end of year exams and assignments. One day at a time as they say. Political ideology to research: shit-posting left wing content on social media   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 All panic, no Read more...

EDITORIAL: We need oversight of how Aotearoa’s universities handle sexual harassment

Posted 2:22pm Sunday 26th September 2021 by Erin Gourley

This week in news, Stop Sexual Harassment on Campus Aotearoa (SSHOC) are calling for the creation of a new organisation to monitor how universities respond to sexual misconduct on campus. That’s a great idea that needs to be implemented. Universities across the country have failed their Read more...

Desperate Freshers Signing Botans Park Benches For 2022

Posted 7:05pm Monday 20th September 2021 by The Critical Tribune

With North D flats increasingly scarce, freshers have been circling the next best option for affordable student accommodation in the area — park benches in the Botans.  Local landlord Michael Moneybags was seen conducting a viewing of his park benches one afternoon, with six eager Read more...

Students Forced To Clean In The Leith Amidst Bathroom “Upgrades”

Posted 7:04pm Monday 20th September 2021 by The Critical Tribune

Peaceful spring mornings on University campus have been disrupted by hordes of students descending upon the Leith to cleanse in lieu of their own scummy bathrooms. With flat viewing season rapidly kicking into gear, landlords are once again doing the bare minimum to make their hovels hospitable, Read more...

Horoscope

Posted 7:02pm Monday 20th September 2021 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Your mental stability might scare you at the moment. But it’s okay, you can’t be unhinged forever. It’s all part of the character development. Beverage of the week: cheap bottle of sav   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Romanticise every Read more...

Rate or Hate

Posted 6:58pm Monday 20th September 2021 by Sasha Freeman

Rate Level 2, house parties are where it’s at!! But pls theme your house parties for a more fun and interesting time. Masks, it’s so much easier to make eyes at people now because it’s the only part of their face you can see. Making yourself the main character. I am in Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | No Ragrets

Posted 6:57pm Monday 20th September 2021 by Critic

When the Critic asked us to spill our most scandalous sexcapades I didn’t know where to start. I still don’t. So many stories. Do I start with the three-way in a sauna which ended with more than sweat dripping down my body? Or the twelve-man orgy in which I could only make out the Read more...

Fuck, I Can’t Cook!

Posted 6:55pm Monday 20th September 2021 by Alice Taylor

No-Yeast Pesto Scrolls I created this recipe when I had the dark realisation that I was averaging about five scrolls per week, which really does make a dent on the bank account. These are so easy to make and the recipe doesn’t involve any yeast. You can also change up the flavour to what Read more...