Horoscopes: Week 3

Horoscopes: Week 3

Aquarius

Jan 20 - Feb 18

Aquarius, why be so hard on yourself? Life is far too short to continue to criticise yourself. Be young, be free. 

End of iso activity: exposing your deepest and darkest secrets to people whilst drunk.

 

Pisces

Feb 19 - Mar 20

I get it, you wanna know everything at all times. But, sometimes you’re just way too fucking nosey. You gotta take a step back sometimes. 

End of iso activity: finding new people to Facebook stalk.

 

Aries

Mar 21 - Apr 19

You’re brushing your teeth too hard. This is leading to gum recession and your teeth will fall out. Nightmare nightmare nightmare.

End of iso activity: sleeping with someone you shouldn’t. 

 

Taurus

Apr 20 - May 20

Taurus men are nice and kind. They’re like the dad you’ve never had. If you have a Taurus man friend, give them a cup of coffee or more peace and quiet. They deserve it. Just no hugs, please. 

End of iso activity: staying inside. 

 

Gemini

May 21 - Jun 20

Things have been anxious for you lately, but that’s okay. Take a deep breath and reassure yourself. You are not your intrusive thoughts. Stay calm, and just vibe. 

End of iso activity: taking yourself on a date.

 

Cancer

Jun 21 - July 22

Sweet, sweet cancer. While you are lovely and kind, you are not everyone’s mother. There is a difference between concern and being overbearing, and right now, you’re fucking irritating. 

End of iso activity: make a move on that cute girl at your cafe. 

 

Leo

July - Aug 22

You don’t get a horoscope this week. Why? Because you never listen to anyone apart from yourself. You better check yourself.

End of iso activity: hot yoga to calm the fuck down. 

 

Virgo

Aug 23 - Sep 22

It’s time to ditch the facade of pacifism and embrace your inner late-stage capitalist. Global stock markets are tumbling due to international panic, and right now, it’s your time to shine. Buy buy buy.

End of iso activity: learning crypto. 

 

Libra

Sep 23 - Oct 22

Stop saying you’re lonely when you haven’t made the effort to shoot your shot. Don’t hold back from that cheeky someone you’ve had your eye on. Worst case scenario, you’ll find someone else!

End of iso activity: looking a gift horse in the mouth.

 

Scorpio

Oct 23 - Nov 21

YOU REALLY NEED TO CALM DOWN PLEASE I BEG OF YOU STOP SCREAMING AND CRYING AND LAUGHING AT THE SAME TIME. 

End of iso activity: cognitive behavioural therapy. 

 

Sagittarius

Nov 22 - Dec 21

They say “not all those who wander are lost”, but this saying does not apply to you. You tell people you’re great with directions, but it’s time to face facts: you are very, very lost.

End of iso activity: cleaning your email inbox. 

 

Capricorn

Dec 22 - Jan 19

Judging people is fun. Right now, you’re the go-to pal for gossip and all things spicy. A walking tabloid magazine you are. You’re also cheap, forgettable, and excruciatingly mainstream. So there’s that.

End of iso activity: go on a shopping spree. 

This article first appeared in Issue 3, 2022.
Posted 1:38pm Sunday 13th March 2022 by Critic.