Moaningful Confessions | How I Caught an S-T-Daddy

Moaningful Confessions | How I Caught an S-T-Daddy

After spending 4 months in one of New Zealand’s shittest small towns, sleeping in a single bed, and spending all my time with my parents and the one friend I still talk to from high school, I was horny and ready to get back out into Dunedin. 

It was my first night back and I was alone in my flat. “Perfect,” I thought, “time to look for company”. Tinder was giving me nothing and it wasn’t until I turned the age limit off that things got interesting. Scrolling through an array of silver foxes, I came across a very sexy man, we matched and he agreed to come over in an hour. Now, I know what they say about stranger danger and I would usually agree but this man was old enough to be my father so I figured it would be fine (plus I was just that fucking horny). 

He arrived and, not gonna lie, things started awkward. I can only liken it to when you go over to your friends house and their dad answers the door. Because of this we didn’t spend long on the formalities and we headed upstairs to get down to business. I've heard people say with age comes experience and boy are they right! Never in my life have I felt the way he made me feel. Our man came from an era before digital porn made boys get self-conscious in bed, or overly dramatic. A bygone age of good old fashioned chivalry. Not only could this man find the clit, he actually knew what to do with it. I’m talking many, many orgasms. Not gonna lie, towards the end I was pretty tired. But a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do and when he left I slept the best I had in years. 

Fast forward three days. My vagina has barely recovered but I had at last regained feeling in my legs and was able to walk again. This was lucky because my new flatmate “Kate” was moving in that day. Now, Kate is from Dunedin but had been away fruit picking in Cromwell and just had returned. Once Kate arrived at the flat we sat and chatted for a good hour and she was so excited to hear of my sexcapades from the previous few days ago. The future of our Dunedin sex lives was looking good! I helped her move in, and all was well until Kate’s dad arrived to drop off her bed.

It was the car I recognised first. As soon as I saw who got out of it I knew I was in trouble. I was suddenly face to face with the man who had rearranged my guts three days ago, who turned out to be none other than Kate’s dad!!!! This led to one of the most awkward encounters of my life which I don't wish to recount. 

Moral of the story: Dunedin students, specifically those aged 18-22, please just get good at sex so I don’t have to fuck anymore of my flatmate’s dads. And Kate, just know that your mum is a lucky gal.


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This article first appeared in Issue 3, 2022.
Posted 1:42pm Sunday 13th March 2022 by Critic.