St Patrick is such a well-known name in North D that thousands wake up as early as 5am every year to celebrate him. But do students actually know that much about who he was, where he came from, and what he did? Critic Te Arohi hit the green-filled streets to find out.
First off, did he exist? “He's a legendary person, he might be real, he might not be. Mostly mythical,” said one student. History disagrees. While there are legends floating around about his work, he definitely existed. He didn’t begin existence in Ireland, though. Despite one student insisting that “He definitely gotta be from Ireland,” he definitely ain’t. He’s actually a Pom, born in Roman Britain.
Next up, we asked students what St Patrick looked like. The answers ranged from “five foot five” to “really short, goatee, green hat” and “green face” to even “a ranga leprechaun”. Moving rapidly along from these potential hate crimes, we then quizzed them on what St Patrick actually did. One student claimed, “He was Irish, and he is in the Bible being really kind to Irish people.” Unfortunately, he is nowhere in the Bible, as Ireland is not in the Middle East and St Patrick was about 300 years late to the biblical party. Another figured he became a saint after “drinking 12 pints of Guinness in one hour”. That might be true, we don’t know.
We finally hit the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow when we found a student who confidently told us that “I actually know this, I went to a Catholic primary school.” St Patrick, they said, “looked after animals”. Unfortunately, this student may need some time in the confession box this Sunday: the only animal story to do with St Patrick is a legend claiming he chased all the snakes out of Ireland, which is not looking after them in the slightest. There were most likely not even snakes to begin with - any that would’ve made it across on settlement ships from England would’ve died out early. One student shared our scepticism: “How can you chase all the snakes out of Ireland? Maybe he got like three.”
As well as all these lies, we also got quite a lot of refreshing honesty. Some students had “No idea, nope,” adding, “We don't know, we're just dressing in green.” One admitted: “It's a good excuse to drink. I don't really know who he is, I don't believe in the religion and I've never been to Ireland.” Admirable.
After all these consistently wrong facts about St Patrick, Critic Te Arohi decided to tell bald faced lies about St Patrick, to see just how far we could go. We started modestly, telling a group of students that St Patrick invented Guinness. “Ohhhh that makes sense,” they responded, with one telling us “He loved to get on the piss, clearly, because that’s how we celebrate him.”
We went one further, telling another group that St Patrick was responsible for planting all of the potatoes in Ireland. “Was that because of the famine?” one asked. Her friend quickly jumped to St Potato’s defence: “Yes, I’m Irish so I would know.” Another student put two and two together, concluding “So he created vodka! Absolute fucking legend.”
They also believed that St Patrick was the owner of the basketball team, the Boston Celtics, and that he was a saint who prayed to Allah. As the green icing on the Guinness cake, we told students St Patrick was still alive today. “That man is a legend then,” one responded.
Regardless of whether people know who St Patrick is, what he did during the fifth century, and if he ever touched a potato, he lives on today. In his name, students will still drink at ungodly hours and leave more green paint around North Dunedin than a Halloween pickle party gone wrong. From the team at Critic, we hope your St. Patrick’s day has been filled with light, warmth, and mostly incorrect facts about the patron saint.