Critic has an exclusive insight into the life of a skip security guard after talking to, and observing, a guard at work during O Week. The skip security guards have been sizing up people dumping rubbish at the orange skips around campus in an attempt to cut down on rubbish from non-students. The University states that this trial is based on “strong evidence”, much like Critic’s dislike of the Southland town of Bluff.
One skip guard said he was “kinda standing around not doing much” but went on to speculate that “I suppose my presence might be putting people off, so it’s probably a good thing we’re here.” He said that “I think about one” non-student had tried to use the skip.
Student reception to the security guards has been lacklustre, ranging from “oh yeah I saw that, pretty weird” to “this is how the Uni’s using our fees?” to “what are you talking about?” Critic witnessed a whole day of the Operation Skip Security and this is the timeline.
8:01 – The Reporter is an hour late. Uh… The Security Guard’s just sitting on the wall.
8:15 – The Security Guard begins pacing up and down the road the length of the skip. Always good to get your cardio in.
8:37 – The Guard abandons their post, going into the bottle store.
8:40 – The Guard returns with a can of Sprite. Feel the Lemon Lime freshness.
9:32 – Inspired by the Guard’s actions, the reporter goes to the bottle store. He buys a coke.
10:06 – Guard begins to eat an apple.
10:10 – Guard disposes of the apple remnants in the skip. Jeez how long does it take to eat an apple?
10:24 – The Reporter’s view is obstructed by a TNL Freighting truck. An obvious ploy to hide away insidious acts of crime, possibly (but not limited to) littering.
10:28 – Two girls dispose of a perfectly good bed head. Kids these days. Why don’t they want bed heads? Their IDs are checked.
10:31 – Guard writes in a blue folder. I imagine it details plans to have security guards at every rubbish bin on campus to check only students are using them.
10:35 – A blue truck arrives to dispose of an egregious amount of wood, almost entirely bedheads. One man presents an ID, it’s probably legit.
10:41 – The blue truck drives away. The Guard sheds a tear of loneliness.
10:45 – Waste management arrives and drives off in one quick movement.
10:48 – OH GOD! A new skip arrives!
10:50 – Jeez how long does it take to drop off a skip? It’s finally placed on the ground off of the tow truck.
10:51 –The two skips battle for the Guard’s favour.
10:52 – Knowing this is the end, two guys throw whatever they can find into the old skip before it is taken. A clothesline, a washing machine, a small child, a broken
TV, the truth about the JFK assassination, and another bed head.
10:53 – The OG skip pleads to be allowed to stay. Its cries echo along Leith Street. The Guard holds back their tears.
10:55 – The OG skip is taken. It has served its purpose. Goodbye, old friend.
11:08 – Enviro Waste arrives, starting a long-standing and bitter rivalry between the Rubbish Man and the Guard.
11:22 – The Guard’s gone! Now’s our chance!
11:23 – They were just out of view. Sorry guys.
12:00 – The Guard has done the old switcheroo and there’s now a new guy. They’re probably not as good.
12:03 – The New Guard is on their phone. The Reporter is getting nervous. Is the New Guard onto him?
12:05 – Return of the king! The original guard has returned, reinvigorated, to preserve the sanctity of rubbish dumping. The false guard has been exiled to the land of litter.
12:43 – The Reporter changes to a blue pen.
1:32 – Man, nothing’s happened in a long time. The Reporter considers documenting the really boring mundane stuff.
1:43 – The Guard checks their phone.
1:47 – Nah that kinda just sucks. Surely, it’ll pick up?
1:48 – It will pick up. And don’t call me Shirley!
2:07 – Man it all came to a head at like 10:30 didn’t it? The good old days. Wish it would pick up again.
2:34 – Red defeat the elite four in Pokémon Fire Red. Great job Charizard.
2:36 – Damn, Red lost to Gary at the last moment.
2:43 – When does this end!
3:02 – A pigeon shits on the sidewalk.
3:32 – The Reporter is amazed that the Guard has the energy to keep going with this job. They must have amazing mental fortitude.
3:52 – Knowing time is nearly up, the two guys return to throw away even more rubbish in the skip. A microwave oven, a large child, a collection of Arcoroc mugs, a taxidermied Big Foot, and another bed head.
4:00 – We are free.