In an egregious act of disregard for the public good and basic ethics, the University has increased the price of every can of drink at campus vending machines to two whole dollars.
The first reports of this occurrence came when a Critic intern attempted to put one humble dollar into the majestic open-air vending machine below Critic offices, known as Ol’ Vendy. The intern was greeted with news of an updated price and no can of coke. Ol’ Vendy was not alone in this new price. The vending machines in Central Library and Science Library have seen an increase of 33% to exactly two dollars per can.
This act has not gone unnoticed. Resident Critic Vending Machine Expert, Wyatt Ryder, stated that the “University has lost my patronage. Two dollars is not a refreshing, easy beverage price range.” Ryder continued that in the past he “would regularly slap a dollar coin into Ol’ Vendy and grab myself a dollar Coke.” He lamented, “What else is a dollar coin good for? A two-dollar coin is an actual amount of money. A one-dollar coke was the ideal treat.”
OUSA President Jack Manning told Critic he had just one comment to make: “Capitalism has failed us.” He went on to make further comments.
University students were quickly angered by this decision. Various students, who were interviewed as they used vending machines, said, “I don’t come to Uni to be insulted,” and “how dare they?” and, concerningly, “I’m gonna set the vending machine on fire.”
Others, though, have been more measured in their response. “Well, it probably matches the increase rate of other luxury food items and is probably linking into some sort of policy on reductions of sugar consumption,” said one Commerce student. “Yeah nah, don’t drink coke,” said another.
A University spokesperson blamed their supplier for the increase in price. “Coca Cola Amatil has said the price increase was due to increased costs in goods and services,” they said.
But what’s next? If the University can so easily increase the price of cans of soda, what else can they do? Increase the price of Grain Waves? Sante bars? Force students to drink Pepsi?
“Coca Cola Amatil have said there are no further plans to increase prices in the foreseeable future,” the University spokesperson said.