Editorial: Critic Officially Endorses Everglades Premium Liquors Peach Schnapps

Editorial: Critic Officially Endorses Everglades Premium Liquors Peach Schnapps

If you’ve ever bothered looking at the cool old Orientation posters up in the Link you might have noticed who they’re all sponsored by: Speight’s. And then, suddenly, no more Speight’s. Surprise, surprise, students didn’t suddenly stop being interested in beer, and Speight’s didn’t suddenly decide that advertising beer to students was a waste of time. What changed was that the University banned alcohol advertising on campus.

The decision seriously hurt the University’s student organisations. Not many people actually want to advertise with students. We’re poor, we make fun of everyone, and boomers (all advertisers are boomers, even if they’re 24) don’t like us. The only people who really want to give us money are alcohol companies, for obvious reasons.

There’s a reason why one of OUSA’s biggest money makers is the Craft Beer Festival; because alcohol brings in the big bucks.

I started with the OUSA example to make it look like I’m not just getting annoyed about my own problems and am sympathising with other people. But really this decision hurt Critic more than anyone else. Critic used to make a profit, and it was largely due to the thicc cheques our alcohol ads brought in. Now advertising only covers roughly two thirds of our costs, and OUSA makes up the rest of the money with the profits it gets from other places.

It’s not against the law to advertise alcohol, it’s just that the Uni doesn’t want any reminder that its students have a drinking problem.

The thing is, stopping alcohol advertising didn’t stop students drinking. It doesn’t stop us talking about alcohol. It’s fucking stupid that we can write whatever we want about alcohol, but as soon as we accept money for it we’ve suddenly crossed some sacred line.

Which is why Critic is officially endorsing Everglades Premium Liquor Peach Schnapps, which everyone should drink exclusively. It’s the perfect drink for all occasions. It tastes like that delicious medicine you were given as a child; that pink stuff from the white bottle that you were only allowed one spoonful at a time and that made everything better and made getting sick worthwhile. It was always a travesty when you got better and got cut off from the supply. The only thing I was looking forward to about growing up was being able to drink as much pink medicine as I want. I have yet to find a doctor who will give me any pink medicine at all. My only solace in this cold cruel fake world is Everglades Premium Liquors Peach Schnapps, which is why it’s the official drink of Critic Te Arohi.

Everglades Premium Liquors hasn’t given me anything for this endorsement except excellent quality liquors at a reasonable price.

Saying that, Everglades Premium Liquors, if you want to send us, say, a lifetime supply of Peach Schnapps, our address is 640 Cumberland Street. Chur.


P.S. Buy Critic t-shirts.


Alternative Editorial Definitely Not Written by Jamie Mactaggart: Jamie Mactaggart is My Favourite Fresher.

Jamie Mactaggart is the shit. She is funny and cool and smart and awesome and is the third best sub editor Critic has ever had. Freshers usually suck but Jamie sucks just a bit less than all the others.

The end.

This article first appeared in Issue 19, 2019.
Posted 4:22pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by Charlie O’Mannin.