Scandal Alert: Steamy OUSA Prez / Vice-Prez Love Affair Revealed

Scandal Alert: Steamy OUSA Prez / Vice-Prez Love Affair Revealed

Critic runs headline even Women’s Day wouldn’t use

In what has been described as “The greatest scandal OUSA has seen in the last 10 years,” it has come to light that OUSA President Caitlin Barlow-Groome and Vice-President Cam Meads had a brief, but passionate, romantic encounter in their first years.

The explosive information was revealed to Critic in a recent exec meeting, when Caitlin said, flirtatiously, “I hate Cam”. Cam, stone faced, replied by saying “Caitlin tried to sleep with me in first year”. Critic stopped contemplating how we could fuck up the sudoku this week and payed attention.  

In a later Critic exclusive, Cam opened up about the affair. “It was a warm, sweaty night at Capone,” he whispered, the memory calling up a half-forgotten passion, a moment of electric desire. “She boogied on up to me...” at this point in the interview Cam could no longer put the raw emotion of the scene into words, and instead made various erotic licking motions with his glistening tongue. “I did not,” shouted Caitlin from across the room. “It lasted all of about a minute,” said Cam. 

Several members of the exec enthusiastically endorsed Caitlin and Cam’s relationship. Tiana Mihaere, Te Roopū Māori Tumuaki, praised Caitlin and Cam for “Keeping it in the family”. Sam Smith, Finance Officer, said “Caitlin and Cam’s is the next wedding I’m hoping to go to.” Roger Yan, Campaigns Officer, called the relationship “Interesting”. 

Others were more neutral about the relationship, “What they do in their own time is up to them,” said James Heath, Education Officer. “No comment. I don’t really care,” said Abigail Clark, Welfare Officer. 

Norhan El Sanjak, Colleges Officer, said that while the relationship was somewhat “frisky,” she believed that, “the most frisky relationship is those two *points to James and Roger*” “I respectfully decline to comment,” said Roger.

Since the initial revelations, Critic has exposed even more about this sordid affair. A source close to the couple (it was Caitlin) confirmed that Cam and Caitlin sat directly next to each other at their first year convocation ceremony. No doubt their physical proximity at an official university event was an analogy for their emotional proximity at the personal event of love.        

Critic is upset that Caitlin and Cam’s names do not splice together well. “Caitlam” is the best we could come up with, the other option being “Camlin”. 

Next week on Critic’s new exec gossip section: are any of the exec pregnant? Probably all of them, says one anonymous, and totally not fictional, source. 

This article first appeared in Issue 12, 2018.
Posted 8:09pm Thursday 17th May 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin.