BREAKING INVESTIGATIVE REPORT

BREAKING INVESTIGATIVE REPORT

Wild Unfounded Speculation on what the University are really building in the Central LIE-brary.

In recent weeks a sinister Wall has emerged on the bottom floor of the lie-brary, where the computers used to be. The Wall has been painted black, with strange runic symbols daubed in invisible ink, and white plastic, the colour of white, girdles its extremities. 

A pair of large double doors have been installed in the middle of The Wall, as if whatever gurgling monstrosity might burst forth needs more space than a humanoid.

One student said that he’d seen a ghostly red light seep under the Wall and strange shadows contort on the white plastic, leaving scorch marks where they fell. Or he might have been talking about something else, we weren’t really listening.

With the full might of Journalism at our backs we speculate about what the University might be doing:

  1. They’re not building anything. It’s a quarantine. One of the computers contracted herpes.
  2. The university are tunneling into Leith Liqourland to empty the alcohol reserves ahead of Hyde.
  3. They’re making a large aquarium for all the fish.
  4. They’re spending lots of money replacing a perfectly functional space with an almost identical new one, but with less trees.
  5. They’re throwing a lovely surprise party for Critic for being the best.
  6. They’re taking all the university staff and sewing them together into a super academic with hundreds of heads and only a single foot. Naturally the university will only need to pay the Creature a single salary. Take that unions.
  7. They’re building two swimming pools full of acid. One for the university council to trip the fuck out in, and an adjacent one for the council to dip their enemies into.
  8. They’re building a massive CCTV camera that can see into your soul.
  9. It’s where they store all the other members of Kirio Birks’ very important [CONFIDENTIAL] Working Group. (His mum.) 

As this article was being birthed, someone pointed out that while going up the lie-brary stairs, and on the mezzanine, you can see a small portion of Inside the Wall. Critic considers this peeking and thinks anyone doing it is very naughty indeed. 

This article first appeared in Issue 7, 2018.
Posted 8:08pm Thursday 12th April 2018 by Charlie OíMannin.