Premier League silly season breaks spending records

To the ridiculously expensive football desk where the transfer window has just closed and the best part of £1 billion has been spent. This obscene amount of money spent in this transfer window highlights just some of the absurdity in English football, with many fans and managers wishing that the transfer window would close a month earlier so that teams have their squads finalised before the season starts. Makes logical sense, right? One of the more shocking revelations to come out was that all deals have to be written and sent via fax! What year is it again? Despite having access to this amazing ICT and also having several months in the off-season to get their deals done, Premier League managers have shown they are no different from us Otago students: staying up all night in a frantic caffeine/nicotine and Wikipedia-fuelled rush to get things done before the deadline. So here is the state of play for the teams that will be challenging for the Premier League title next May, plus a few words about Manchester United and Spurs. They certainly won’t be lifting any trophies but some people still class them as big clubs ...

Chelsea and Man City, the early season favourites ...



Defending champions Manchester City haven’t made any big name signings as they already have the best squad depth in the league, which won them the title and League Cup last season. The main move was striker Alvaro “The Beast” Negredo heading back to Spain with Valencia. They have added some muscle in defence and midfield although there will be some worries after their recent 0 – 1 loss at home to the unglamorous potters of Stoke City. I am backing them to get back on track and will see the blue moon continuing to rise over Manchester.

Jose Mourinho wasn’t shy in wielding the chequebook of Chelsea’s Russian billionaire owner. Diego Costa and Cesc Fabregas were brought in from La Liga and have had an instant impact. Poor old Fernando Torres has been shipped off to Italy on a two-year loan deal with Milan while fellow strikers Eto’o and Lukaku have been shipped north to Everton. Loic Remy was signed up from QPR on deadline day. After spending most of last season moaning about his strikers, Mourinho has gotten rid of them all and brought in the players he feels fit into his style of play. Chelsea are the bookies’ favourites to win the title this year and have started the season perfectly with maximum points after three wins.

Liverpool looking more lethal than Arsenal’s “Thrift Shop” ...



Last season’s runners-up Liverpool did most of their business early on in the window, going on a spending spree at the St. Mary’s, buying most of Southampton's best players. Their biggest change has been up top with Luis Suarez moving to Barcelona for £75m and Mario Balotelli coming in from AC Milan for a relatively cheap £16m. Balotelli can provide entertainment on and off the pitch with the Internet full of stories of him setting his bathroom ablaze with fireworks, smoking cigars on the train and using Man City youth players as a dartboard. The Reds have also made some important signings in defence, as this was a definite weakness last season that many feel cost them the title. Their last game was a 0 – 3 away win at Spurs and they were very impressive and, on that form, that should see Liverpool in a three-way fight for the title with Chelsea and City with the rest of the teams left battling for fourth spot.

Arsenal have broken character, paying some big fees in recent transfer windows, but we all know that boss Arsene Wenger likes to be the Macklemore of the football world, looking for cheap deals and free transfers. One man's trash, that's another man's come-up for Arsene. Gunners fans have been screaming out for a new striker for the last few seasons and with first choice Olivier Giroud out for the rest of the year with a broken ankle everyone thought now would be the time for Wenger to dip into his war chest for a world class goal scorer. He could have signed the likes of Remy or Falcao but these deals didn’t happen and, with only a few hours before the window shut, Wenger ended up panic buying the underwhelming Danny Welbeck from Manchester United, who has only scored three goals this calendar year. But, shit, he was only 99 cents! (Actually he was £16m.) However, Arsenal run their club like any other sensible business and not as the plaything of some billionaire oil tycoon, and have gained respect for the results gained with their conservative approach.

The other “big” clubs ...



So far this season Manchester United have been continuing their ungraceful slide down the pecking order with losses to Swansea and MK Dons and draws with fellow relegation battlers Sunderland and Burnley. After the callow and inept David Moyes was run out of town, the arrival of Dutch manager Louis van Gaal was supposed to return the spirit and glory to Old Trafford, but the promising pre-season tour of the United States proved to be a false dawn. Injuries may have played a part in their recent struggles as well as their persistence with the unconventional 3 – 5 - 2 formation that van Gaal seems to prefer but the players are unfamiliar with, especially in defence. United have been busy in the transfer market as van Gaal seeks to prove that he ain’t no chump-change motherfucker as they smashed the British transfer record, shelling out a whopping £60 million to Real Madrid for winger Angel Di Maria, paying well over the odds for a player who was probably going to struggle to make the Madrid team after their Spanish summer spending spree. This move was followed up with the unexpected deadline day signing of striker Radamel Falcao, who was brought in on loan from Monaco to give United a rather platinum looking attack and a distinctly bronze looking defence – quality signings, indeed, but not really in the positions that were needed. I can’t help but feel that had they got their team sorted earlier they may not already be seven points off the top of the table after only three games. Deadweight players like Anderson and Fellaini managed to survive the Hunger Games of deadline day and will hang around, getting a free ride, maybe warming the bench occasionally.
This article first appeared in Issue 22, 2014.
Posted 11:52pm Sunday 7th September 2014 by Daniel Lormans.