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This week in Proctology we highlight the cyclical nature of Scarfie antics as Dunedin’s returning students egg-xacted revenge on the newest influx of freshers. OUSA President Ruby Sycamore-Smith said she was “in a flap” after hearing that “freshers are being beaten by their own flock.”

Critic’s sources at New World Centre City and Countdown investigated the poultry aisle and were not surprised to see that the Budget and Homebrand range of eggs had only recently been replenished after what looked like a cracking week of sales. Critic also found a scrambling of yolk and eggshells trailing down Union St toward the Stadium, which presumably was one of the more popular attacking grounds, especially during the procession of togas.

Sycamore-Smith said “while the victims may have their share of egg on their face, the yolk is really on those doing it.” She said the Proctor’s office “crack up” at their expanded collection of slingshots and that a number of halls had “been given lovely gift cards courtesy of the idiots who can’t stop at just having a lol at the procession of toga-wearing first years (and a few fourth years who should know better).” Instead, she suggested people “leave innocent freshers scrambling on their first big night out in Dunners.”

While most of the incidents were targeted at freshers in togas, the Proctor also reprimanded a flat of gentlemen who eyed up a different target. While they claimed to have egg-cidentally inflicted the damage, the flat of George Street males were caught throwing eggs at a motelier’s carpark across the road from their flat. After issuing the flat with a collective fine, the motelier had his own form of revenge when one of the flatmates’ parents came for a visit to Dunedin and stayed at his coup across from the boys’ flat. The motelier had great delight in informing the boy’s parents that the boy’s future didn’t egg-xactly lie in any form of culinary art.

Sycamore-Smith had one final message to the perpetrators of such serious violence.

“I for one want to send a message to these criminals; you no longer have free range! I only hope that with Campus Watch’s battery of slingshots they may one day get to save our freshers from a few rapscallions and their hard-boiled schemes. But I wouldn’t want to count my chickens, there’s always going to be a few bad eggs. Much love, Ruby xo”