Waking up to a group of hot, sweaty men in uniform does not sound like something one might be opposed to, though the high chance of suffocation from smoke inhalation may change your mind. Second-year Dundas-dweller Zara experienced something that can only be found in a plot of a Colleen Hoover book or a badly directed Pornhub video, and learnt a vital lesson about fire safety in doing so.
It was a laid-back Saturday for Zara, home-bound while recovering from glandular fever. “I thought I would have a night in, make myself some soup, make myself feel better,” she told Critic Te Ārohi. “And then I burned down the house.” That’s a slight exaggeration – but when freshly moved in flatmate Linda arrived back from a night out watching the rugby and hanging out at The Bog (great combo), it’s certainly what she thought was happening.
Linda had heard the blaring sound of a fire alarm from the other end of Dundas Street on her walk home, but thought to herself, “Surely this isn’t my flat.” But she would soon discover that her assumption of it being a fresher hitting their vape in their hall’s bathroom (again) was wrong. Greeted with a cloud of smoke as soon as she opened the front door, she pretty quickly whipped out her phone to call 111 – all the while not realising that her flatmate Zara was sound asleep in one of the other rooms.
Linda told Critic that the fire department’s reaction of sending two fire trucks and blocking off the street with road cones felt a bit overboard. Asked why, she replied: “Because it was just a steaming pot.” Zara had fallen into a sickness-induced sleep with her pot of soup left simmering away on the stove. “Two fire crews from Willowbank and Dunedin Fire Stations found that a pot had been left on the stove, causing the house to fill with smoke,” Fire and Emergency Community Education Manager Tom Ronaldson told Critic, confirming Zara’s slightly embarrassing retelling of events. Fully equipped firemen had then entered the flat with nothing but a fan to air out the excessive smoke.
It was only at this point (after the fire alarm going off for about 15 minutes and the entire road being blocked off) that Zara was awoken by firemen rushing her out of the flat. “I felt so much shame in that moment,” Zara admitted glumly. This shame, however, was quickly mitigated by the sheer attractiveness of the firemen. In the midst of a “growling” session on fire safety, Linda and Zara found a silver lining in the sexy combo of smoke, uniform, and chiselled bone structure of their saviours. “[He] was giving daddy vibes. It was lowkey really DILFY,” Zara admitted. For health and safety reasons, please do not purposefully start a fire to find the DILF firefighter.
This isn’t even the most recent time Zara has slept through a fire alarm – leading her flatmates to test her survival skills. “Yeah, I was drinking and went for a nap. My mates tried waking me up by putting on a video of a fire alarm going off, but I just wouldn't wake up.” Critic can confirm this is true by the video proof provided, and thinks Zara should probably get her iron levels checked.
While Zara and Linda’s flat did have alarms installed, some of the alarms near their rooms had “been disconnected from the ceiling and placed on the kitchen bench.” Fire and Emergency strongly advises students to “leave smoke alarms where they are”, and the flat has now been installed with brand new 10-year fire alarms that cannot be removed and have been drilled securely into the walls.
When asked if there was anything else Zara and Linda wanted to tell our dear readers, they yelled at Critic to “[Not] take smoke alarms down!” and to always remember to turn off the stove when done. Don’t cook when you’re cooked – and that includes when you’re sick. 50% of all fatal house fires involve alcohol or drugs. For recipes you can make while cooked, baked, fucked or on death’s door, head to You’re Cooked.