Disclaimer (because someone will ask): This is satire but also probably some good advice. Use your critical thinking skills to determine which is which.
So, you’ve blown your last $20 on a hungover Hunger Buster. Fear not, Dunedin is a magical place filled with many “opportunities” to keep your flat stocked without tapping your own card. We know what it’s like to be down to your last few dollars with an empty fridge, unpaid power bill, and no couch. Lucky for you, here is Critic Te Ārohi’s broke-but-resourceful guide to survive.
1. Toilet paper
The greatest travesty a flat can experience is running out of toilet paper – and boy does it happen often. But why buy your own when every place you visit has some for free, just sitting there. Think about how much of your uni fees must go towards keeping buildings that you have never even entered stocked with bulk orders of toilet paper. Other great suppliers of toilet paper are restaurants. Next time you're out for a BYO or mum and dad’s shout, stock up (they usually have 3-ply).
2. Furniture
The end of a semester is the perfect time to continue the long chain of hand-me-down or found-on-the-street furniture. Keep your eyes peeled on sidewalks, carparks, and Facebook groups. A sofa, desk, chair, and even that weird Minecraft creeper lamp you didn't know you needed can become yours for free. Another great place to score some really nice quality furniture is halls at the end of the year. Often they are replacing desk chairs, dining room tables or couches – furniture far less likely to be riddled with scabies or borer. And another pro tip: the uglier the couch, the comfier. There’s nothing a couch cover or really large blanket can’t fix.
3. Wifi
Now this will either be quick as, or you are going to have to play the long game. First try all of the obvious passwords: “Password123” or “KingsOfCastle69”. If that doesn't work, it’s time to befriend the neighbours. Whether that means door knocking daily to make them your friend or slowly but surely working your way into the friend group. You don't necessarily have to continue to be friends with them once you have secured your connection. Like piggybacking off your high school friend’s Disney Plus subscription, just stay friendly enough that they don't give you the boot. You’ll increase the risk if you have too many devices connected at once, too, so be careful there – you don’t want to have to start from scratch again.
4. Random Items
OUSA is a theme park for the financially challenged. Free condoms? Check. Posters and stickers? Double check. Lost property? Gold mine. That lost Frank Green water bottle with someone else's initials engraved on the side? Yours now – and you never know what other treasures await. In the past three years, I have secured a bag of OUSA branded poker chips, many loaves of bread, several cases of fun drinks, and many bags of gluten free pasta. Keep your eyes peeled on the Clubs and Socs Instagram, because once that post is up you better be running straight to reception as this shit goes quick.
5. Artwork
Posters: the original removable art installation. OUSA isn't the only place that has free posters. Take a stroll up George Street, and it’s one big raxable art exhibition. Seems to me they are just asking to be peeled down from the side of a shop, taken home, and stuck to the walls of your living room with a fuck load of BluTack (don’t tell my landlord). During election times especially, there’s an abundance of awesome posters and signs just waiting to have a pair of googly eyes slapped on to ward off unwelcome crashers at your next host.
6. Kai
If you can't afford to fill your pantry from a supermarket (me) there are so many places within Ōtepoti that can help you out. We’ve all been there, left choosing between paying the power bill on time or eating nutritious meals. But there are people all around our city who want to help keep our pukus full. Whether you are looking for an already cooked feed (go to the Bowling Club); ingredients to do your own cooking (Student Support’s food bank or pātaka kai); or keen to forage for fresh produce (Our Food Network’s community gardens), there’s help to be found.
For those into the charcuterie kind of kai, join as many free clubs as you can. Events are a smorgasbord of snacks. You might have to sit through a guest lecture or an AGM to earn it, but by the end both your tummy, mind, and soul are full. Think of it as networking with benefits. And if you’re truly desperate, an unloved and abandoned burger from the side of the road on a Saturday night is as good an option as any.
7. The Extras
Anytime your parents come down and stay in either a cushy hotel or the last motel available on booking.com, be sure to go and scope the place out. At the very least, you will walk away with a horde of tea bags and sugar packets. If you're lucky enough, you might even be able to swing a few sachets of hot choccy and coffee. If you’re especially blessed with the luck of the leprechauns, you might even be able to get away with little soaps and shampoos that would transform your flat shower into a 3 star spa experience.
8. Power
Definitely the most ambitious dream of any broke BSci student is building a solar panel from lab scraps. Armed with a half completed degree, the Solar Power for Dummies book and copious amounts of energy drinks, this project could be completed in a weekend. If it is peak winter and it looks like there is no foreseeable sun to be harnessed into power, there is also the great idea of tapping into the Uni power grid. To do this you could either do low budget and dangerous with 100m of extension cables and several multi boards or the more dangerous but rewarding route of tapping straight into a power line. (Disclaimer: Critic Te Ārohi is not encouraging this behaviour.)
It doesn't have to cost an arm and a leg to live in Dunedin. Sure, the landlords are probably getting a few extra dollars out of us then their flats are worth, but that doesn't mean that all hope is lost. Ōtepoti is a magical place where things can just kind of fall out of the sky and into your lap when you really need them. There are also so many services and funds around the country aimed at helping out students, a historically broke as fuck group. If you need help, don't be ashamed to reach out to the Rotary Club for their community pantry, OUSA Student Support, or even the DCC for their electricity grant. They are there to help you through a tough time, not judge you for being on a shoestring budget.