Advice on How to Advise People That Now Really Isnít the Time.

Sometimes, even the people you are closest to get your knickers in a twist. Sometimes you want to be polite to them and avoid them. And sometimes they don’t even deserve that sort of evasive kindness.

Now we’re not suggesting you get it out in a fisticuffs brawl at Castle St on Saturday morning. What we’re advising you to do is to think about it and actually take action.

There are many ways of taking action. Evasion can seem like an action because it is something you actively have to do.

More effective modes of action include a carefully planned confrontation. It is advisable to try and encourage anyone who is attempting the confrontation technique to move it out of a private space. Go to a café, or for a walk in the botans. You both need to feel safe in the environment, confronting someone in their home space can seem like a direct attack on their vulnerability.

If you don’t want to talk about the problem you’re having, simple methods exist, such as voicing your need for space. “Look, I just don’t want to talk to you right now,” “Now isn’t the time, thanks,” “I’ll get back to you later,” “Please GTFO of my space. You’re yucking my yum and it's harshing my mellow bro. So not nectar”.

It is also advisable to start with small measures and see if that resolves anything. If not, it’s then time to implement the more drastic measures like emptying a whole jar of peanut butter on a pepperoni pizza, or aggressively asking everyone what their ideal sex/communism ratio is.

A frequently employed risk mitigation technique in our year 6 classroom was the C3 B4 Me protocol. Essentially, the despairing individual must seek advice from three others before they can confront the problem person. The advantages of this technique is that said individual must use their social context as a sounding board for their internal anxieties. The effect of this is that their internal world must be made relevant to external social realities. In other words, usually after having a good b**** to at least three of your mates, you realise how minimal your problem is.

We advise all of you to prepare for the eventuality of being the needy mate. Everyone has a needy mate. That’s what friends are for. For making your private world public, and your public world private. Confused? So are the rest of us.

Toodahloo FotherMuckers,

Aunt Kell and Ma Zo.

This article first appeared in Issue 6, 2018.
Posted 10:46pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport.