Columns

Girl: A kind friend recently told me “you make being single look enviable.” I was suitably flattered, but while I do enjoy the self-indulgence that single life affords, there are always those balmy afternoons when I get the classic tune ‘Afternoon Delight’ stuck in my head. And then I feel wistful, and melancholic. Annoying traits no one wants around, least of all when they’re mixed with ‘horny.’ My problem isn’t a lack of beautiful, smart young men – my life is full to overflowing with them – rather, the problem is that these men are close friends’ exes and exes’ close friends, making them unavailable. I don’t mean ethically unavailable (in a town this small you can’t be too precious), I just have the ‘problem’ that once a friend has been seeing someone for a while, telling me about the good and bad times and going through the lengthy break-up, the guy – no matter how dishy he might have seemed before – now holds the sex appeal of a Wiggle. In other words, he has been castrated. Freud was right all along. Boy: So, what’s a boy to do? After months of embracing the sort of debauched lifestyle usually confined to one’s late teens, my single life hit a wall when I found myself actually sober in Metro, dancing by myself to Cyndi Lauper’s pop hit Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. And like a girl, I had heaps of fun. Innocent fun. A week later, word was out on the street that I’d hooked up with my little sister’s best friend from primary school; an incredibly guiltless night took a turn for the worse as the rumour mill went into fantasyland. Newsflash: This is Dunedin. There is no Exit. We thought we’d kick off the column early with a night between Mou bar, Bath St, Metro, 10 Bar, Pop and Copa. Why? Because Boy wanted to get laid and Girl needed to finish this column for the deadline. What did we find? A barren wasteland that even our finelytuned sense of irony couldn’t fuck. Though there were some stand-outs: the guy with the busted eyebrow who had been in a fight with – and we quote –  a “fuckin’ nigger” reeked of multicultural sensibility, a junior Edward Cullen wannabe who gave Girl a lewd wink and then shuffled awkwardly to Robbie Williams Rock DJ – Ladies, where were you? Oh that’s right, you were sprawled out, legs in the air, halfway down Bath St. Thursday must be your night off. Where do these people come from? University. Coming up … Orientation!