Critic Te Ārohi was a little uncertain about whether the Proctor would be keen to meet once again, given our artistic interpretation of him. However, despite him thinking that the Proctology column would have “no readership interest” and be “dropped like a hot pie”, we organised a time to catch up.
Upon arrival at his office, the Campus Watch crew greeted Critic by saying they were on strict instructions to “be nice” and let us straight up to the Proctor’s Office. Feeling a bit like an official magazine for once, and not like a group of errant students constantly pestering the University, we bounded up the stairs.
If you’re new here, Proctology is the branch of medicine concerned with the anus and rectum. And, apparently, student life.
This Month in the Clinic
So what’s been happening in the student quarter as of late?
The Proctor reported an eventful, but relatively unproblematic, Saint Patrick’s Day – all thanks to the help and planning from many community members. Looking at the big picture, the Proctor reckons he might be “lucky” for the next couple of Saint Patrick’s Day celebrations, given they’ll land on a Wednesday and a Thursday. But the year after that will be a Friday. If the Proctor had a crystal ball, it would show people from Christchurch and elsewhere heading to Dunedin for a very raucous long weekend. But he’s got three years to think about that. “Maybe I won’t be here!”. He cackles at this for a good few moments.
Other than that, he hasn’t got a whole lot more to share in terms of recent student shenanigans. But he seems to like Critic enough to not let us walk out with nothing, so he tells us a story from the recent past. The tale is as follows.
Two residents of one of the University residential halls had decided they would create a Christmas scene, mid-year, in the foyer of their college. Armed with a spade and saw, the pair went down to the Botanic Gardens, cut a few branches and dug up a couple of trees, and dragged it all back to their college. Unfortunately for Santa’s little helpers, one of the trees that they had dug up was a ginkgo tree. Ginkgo trees are described as rare “living fossils”, often surviving over 1,000 to 3,000 years. They have a lineage dating back to 350 million years, exhibiting fascinating longevity due to high resistance to disease, insects, and environmental stress. They only have one known weakness: Otago freshers.
The Proctor’s office managed to find the elves, who were promptly delegated to the Naughty List and asked to pay the Botanical Gardens for the loss of the Gingko/Christmas tree, which was valued at $800. However, they weren’t out of that giving Christmas spirit yet. They decided to set up a GiveALittle page, purported to be two passionate students wanting to give back to their community by buying the Gardens a Gingko tree.
Eventually, the Proctor got wind of it (“believe it or not, I didn’t come down in the last shower”). News moves fast in the North Pole! Sorry – in North Dunedin. At this point, the fund had over $800, which was a real Christmas miracle. The Proctor got the elves back in his office and suggested that their actions were fraudulent, which is a pretty scary word, and against the “spirit” of what was trying to be achieved by having them replace the tree.
In the end, the Botanic Gardens got two Ginkgo trees back for their mid-year Christmas: one from the GiveALittle, and one from the residents actually paying for the consequences of their actions. The University regained two nice elves after they’d properly remedied a well-intentioned, but inconsiderate, action. Everyone wins!
To be perfectly clear, the Proctor is all for mid-year Christmas scenes to “raise the spirit of the college”. However, he recommends taking a trip out to the town Green Belt to look for fallen trees or branches instead of stealing from award-winning and meticulously cultivated gardens.
Proctor’s Prescription
Other than taking a trip out to the Green Belt, the Proctor wants to recommend staying aware of how we’re beginning to head into the cooler months, with daylight savings having ended over Easter. There will be longer nights, and we begin to enter into a season of study for many students with mid-terms.
Campus Watch has a free, 24/7 walk home service that can assist students getting back to a place of safety – whether that be your car, a more well-lit area or a flat. The Proctor promises that walking home with Campus Watch doesn’t need to involve “holding hands or singing Kumbaya.” They can walk 20 metres behind, and make it look like “we’re not even with the student.”
Campus Watch also have their Safety Patrol cars running from Wednesday to Saturday nights, 11pm to about 3am. Safety Patrol cars are usually staffed by both a male and a female Campus Watch member and offer rides to any student that is walking alone. They can also come in handy if your flatmate is too fucked up to stand, let alone do the 20 minute walk home. Ring Campus Watch to book it in – they’ll try to get there ASAP to help, but can sometimes have a short delay.
Bear in mind that Safety Patrol is not a taxi. They’re “not gonna take you into town to get on the raspberries,” the Proctor says sternly, or drive out to Green Island. But they can make sure you’re getting home safe in the student quarter.
