Columns

If there’s one thing any red-blooded Kiwi male absolutely pisses his pants about, it’s the prospect of a diplomatic dispute being resolved by horrific violence. Now through the magic of Old Media; I am coming to you from two weeks in the past, so it’s entirely possible that by now Obama-lama-ding-dong has soared over to the Kremlin on his flying unicorn of peace and he and Putin-on-the-Ritz have sorted it all out over a few verses of Kumbaya. But I am nothing if not a fucking hideous wretch from the bowels of hell, so I’m betting that by now the Ruskies have rolled into mainland Ukraine and are proceeding to Glasnost their brains out.

How does one deal with a bully? If you’re a cringing primary school teacher you’ll likely advise the Ukrainians to ignore them, but we all know that primary school teachers are about as wise as ceramic fish. No, the proper way to deal with a bully is to beat them into a bloody pulp, to give in to your anger and embrace the dark side of the force. What if the bully is bigger and stronger than you? Well, then you’re fucked. This whole situation goes to prove that you can have all the democracy and transparency and revolution you want, but if you Occupy the men’s toilet in protest of gender segregation, don’t be surprised if someone pisses in your eyes because you’re in the way.

Vladimir Putin may be a tyrannical, free-speech repressing, gay-bashing discharge, but he’s a NUCLEAR-ARMED tyrannical, free-speech repressing, gay-bashing discharge. Obama and the West can throw all the hope and change they want at him, but hope and change burns just as well as treaty paper, and Vlad the Mad has 40 megatonnes worth of reasons for no-one to fuck with him. So good luck, Ukrainians – maybe give Al Qaeda a call, those guys handed it to the Soviets 30 years ago. Maybe they can give you some tips? Like buying rocket launchers off the Yanks, but that’s another story altogether.