LILF | Issue 5

LILF | Issue 5

Religion and Globalisation was supposed to be a paper that one takes to learn about religion, beliefs and the gods of the world. Little did I know that my thoughts would be much more occupied with a certain square-jawed, dark-eyed lecturer. Krishna’s got nothing on Will Sweetman.

That first lecture, you delivered the PowerPoint presentation with such magnetism that I found it impossible to concentrate on the content. You were like a gift from the gods themselves. The way that you eloquently outlined the main beliefs of the major world religions made me want to study the Kama Sutra while I dream of the day that you might demonstrate its significance for me. Not even a cover-to-cover reading of the Bhagavad Gita could distract me from my wandering daydreams.

While you were reading aloud from our textbook “World Religions Today” it crossed my mind that you might be more impressed by somebody cultured, who does yoga and sports a red kabbalah string bracelet. While I cannot offer you the limber physique of a yoga trainer, or the quiet transience of a kabbalah follower, what I can offer you is a thorough knowledge of everything tantric. I also have the body of a God (unfortunately it’s Buddha).

I have tried to be zen about the whole situation, but the way your shirt is always untucked from your pants at the back makes me wonder if you could provide the climactic elevation to spiritual advancement that I have been searching for. Now although I am young, don’t feel as though you have to shelter me from anything. It is my lifelong hope that you will lead me into enlightened temptation.

Dr. Sweetman, fire of my loins, I ask only that you take this time to allow me to tell you how I have long been yearning to be your crouching tiger and secretly desiring your hidden dragon. When I look at your photo (that I stole off the University of Otago website), it makes my heart leap into my throat, as I realise that we are but a sensual rebirth away from seeing the gates of paradise together.

In the words of the Dalai Lama, “Sleep is the best meditation”, so let’s you and I do just that, together. Then perhaps we will both reach the ultimate nirvana.

Always ready to show you my lotus flower,

– Enlightened One

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This article first appeared in Issue 5, 2012.
Posted 4:26pm Sunday 25th March 2012 by Hot For Teacher.