World Watch | Issue 2

World Watch | Issue 2

Aloha! Guess who’s back? Yes, the same Indian wordsmith, who got a chance after tickling the nostalgic side of your editor. Or maybe it was a quota thing, we Indians are used to quotas. Anyhoo … The world was as usual very interesting – not as interesting as my roommate finding 36 tin can openers in a drawer during the weekend (really, the previous female tenant was into some serious BDSM stuff I reckon). So here are a few important ones, handpicked by yours truly.

  1. Mr Pentti Arajarvi, the husband of Finland’s president (or “first gentleman”), was caught ogling Princess Mary of Denmark’s royal boobs during a highly stuffy formal state dinner by Danish Queen Margrethe. When everyone was looking up at the person giving the dinner speech, the first gentleman tried to do a Leslie Nielsen. When caught he quickly started admiring the ceiling. Classic Scandinavian hilarity.

  2. Remember Grandpa Ratzinger? Our beloved senile Pope rattled atheists, agnostics and feminazis worldwide when he asked the faithful to shun IVF or any such artificial procreation as it shows the “arrogance of taking [the] place of the Creator”. According to Benedict XVI, the best way to pop kids out is by good ol’ nookie. In related news, Rick Santorum was orgasmic.

  3. In a great win for American soft power, Pakistan and Iran won Oscars. No, the Pakistani Oscar was not for the best “Non-State Actor”. It was, however, about acid attacks on women (‘Saving Face’, which won Best Documentary – Short Subject). The Oscar came at the same moment as a couple of Drone strikes. This subtle balance of soft and hard approach is what maketh the USA … well … the USA! Iran, on the other hand, in a state media report, declared ‘A Separation’s’ Best Foreign Language Feature win to be a great victory over the Zionist regime, wherein their Republican Qods Force snatched the gold statuette right from the jaws of the Great Satan. Wait dude, the hard power is possibly coming soon!

  4. Finally, in a campaign advertisement which should have won Oscars, Vlad “The Impaler” Putin is keen to take the virginity of a young nubile female voter. Political virginity of course! Apparently the female voter is undecided, as it is her “first time”. The testosterone-filled voice of a female card-reader then assures us that her flower should go to Putin. Man, why didn’t Herman Cain make this one? (Oh nyet!) Anyway, I predict a lot of blood and crying in Russia after Putin wins. No pun, really.
This article first appeared in Issue 2, 2012.
Posted 4:53pm Sunday 4th March 2012 by Sumantra Maitra.